Make it or Break it

For those of you who know me.. you know that when I find something I really like (song, tv show, food, etc) I watch/listen/eat on repeat until I am truly over it. I guess this goes right along with my OCD personality.

Well my most recent obsession is Make it or Break it. Please explain to me why a 22 year old teacher is in love with a TV show marketed to 12-16 year old girls? In case you don't know... make it or break it is a fictional show that follows 4 elite gymnasts that are on their way to the 2012 Olympics. I've been in love with gymnastics since I was little, and this show has simply rekindled my passion. This new liking started as a Monday night ritual, something to help Mondays not seem so daunting. Then I saw the season finale and was completely hooked. Unfortunate timing as now I don't even know if the show is returning for a third season.

Fortunately or unfortunately for me the episodes are all online so I have spent some significant time watching over the past few days. In my defense yesterday was Memorial Day and I had some extra time on my hands, and some quality couch time was much needed. Regardless... today I watched an episode as well and have been searching to understand what it is about the show that draws me.

On the surface level I think it's the gymnastics and having a "behind the scenes" look at the lives of these fictional elite gymnasts. A part of me feels like it allows me to better understand a sport and athletes I have always loved to watch.

On a deeper level there is something the girls have that I am seeking. These girls have a purpose, they have a role. They are elite gymnasts. They spend 10 plus hours a day training to fulfill their purpose, to be successful. Then everything boils to a high intensity moment where they are generally successful and recognized for their success.

If I try to parallel this to my life, the gymnastics training would be my time at school. I am there about 8 hours a day and spend the rest of my hours thinking and talking about it. My high intensity moment could be the end of year tests, where my kids were "generally successful" and recognition for my success could be accounted for during teacher appreciation day.

Yet my life doesn't seem nearly as interesting or exciting as these young ladies on make it or break it. A part of me longs for the adventure and the seeming excitement of their lives. However if I take time to really look at their lives, they each have their own problems but here in lies the problem. I am constantly comparing and yearning for lives other than mine, when in all reality I have a great life. I want to be the music theater major, or the lady with an office job she can leave at 5. I want to have the body of this girl, and the personality of another.

I look at the characters on this show and long for things they each have. I long to have the body of one, the character of another, the strength of one, and the confidence of another. See how this works? It's almost like I am drawn to the show because I want to be them. I temporarily escape my life as Laura the 2nd grade teacher, and envision my life with the body, character, confidence, and personality of others.

I'm longing to find my purpose... I am longing to be happy with who I am... I need to find contentment. I need to find true joy and peace with the life God has blessed me with. I think this might be a lifelong journey and I'm not sure where it will take me.. but until then I'm just going to keep on watching :)

Weight Loss- 2 Words I don't love.

August 19, 2010 I started my first job as a "grownup". I had just moved to Raleigh and on the 19th 25 6 and 7 year olds walked into MY classroom. I was terrified and excited all at the same time. Throughout the next 9 1/2 months, I experienced stress and sadness, anxiety and failures that surpassed anything I had ever experienced before. This led me to pick up LOTS of fast food and eat LOTS of junk food whenever I arrived home from work.

This caused an unwanted effect of a 15 pound weight gain since August. I have more or less ignored it because food has been my comfort throughout this journey. How could I part with the thing that has most comforted me over the past year.

However, a few weeks ago I made a decision to take back control of my life. I registered for weight watchers one Saturday morning about 3 weeks back. The following Wednesday I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting at a local church. To be honest I stood outside of the meeting door for a solid 15 minutes before convincing myself to go inside.

I finally put one foot in front of the other and walked into the room. The next week was almost "fun". It was an adventure to figure out what I could eat for how many points, and it was almost like a game! Then I was excited to find out I had lost weight. The second week became even harder, and there were definitely some "slips" but I still lost in week 2!

This coming up Wednesday will be my third week in the program and I am sincerely worried that I will not have lost any weight. Over the weekend I threw the program out the window and didn't count points. I ate whatever and really reverted to some of my old ways. Eating without thinking, eating whatever I want, whenever I want, and then feeling rotten about it later.

Today I have spent more time worrying about the "mistakes" of this weekend than I have spent doing anything else.

Weight Loss. I HATE IT. I wish I had one of those little bodies that allowed me to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. However that is unfortunately not the way I was made.

I hate eating smart ones meals when I'm craving fried chick-fil-a. I hate eating healthy cereal for breakfast when I want pop-tarts. However, as much as I hate weight loss... I do like seeing my body return to the way it used to be.

As of today I was ready to quit but have spent a lot of time thinking and am going to go back to the meeting on Wednesday. As much as I hate weight loss I like gaining control of my life so much more.

Here's to one more week...