Takeout for One

Lately I have had this overwhelming feeling that this life in Raleigh is just a dream ( and not necessarily a good one either ). When I am here, at work mostly, it just seems like a temporary assignment that I just need to make it through.

When I go home to either High Point or Elon things seem so right, so comfortable, so happy. Then reality sets in and I realize I have to return to my grown up life. When I hang up on the phone with my best friends, or my parents, I often find myself in tears. I don't think they have any idea how much I miss them. This probably explains why I have spent so much of my time recently with these people.

The thing about all of this however is that I LOVE the new people I have met here. Let me state that loud and clear. I LOVE my new friends here. My friends at work are great. They are genuine, supportive, and all around amazing people. I love working with them, and even more enjoy getting to know them outside of work. Without them I would have legitimately lost my sanity by now.

I think grown up life and friendships are just different than college life and friendships or high school life and friendships. If I am honest with myself ( even though I claim to love living alone... which I really do) I am lonely. Every time I pick up my takeout for one I am reminded of this fact. Tonight was no different, I was on the phone with someone who was on her way into a fun evening, while I was on my way to my apartment to eat my takeout for one by myself. Granted I am utterly exhausted and don't have much of a desire to do anything, but still it feels lonely. The tears came.

The tears are a common occurrence in my world these days. Sometimes the tears are completely unnecessary. Let's recount the tears this week.
Sunday: Saying goodbye to the roomies. Sobbed.
Monday: I think this day was tear free
Tuesday: Cried saying goodbye to Jonesy (Moving to NYC)
Wednesday: Cried at work when half my class showed up dressed for wacky tacky day on the wrong day... my fault.
Thursday: No tears
Friday: Tears during professional development. Tears during our team meeting. Tears after the conversation mentioned earlier.

Too many tears. Too. Many. Tears.

I've been sitting here for far too long now trying to figure out how I want to end this post. I've been trying to think of what positive way I could end this rather depressing sounding entry.

I'm drawing a blank. So I guess this will just be the end. My stomach is full from my takeout for one and it looks like I might be in bed before 8 pm this evening. I'm exhausted. Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow with a refreshed attitude.

Love and Not Loving

Love my God.
Love my family.
Love my best friends.

Not loving my job.
Not loving being single.
Not loving this feeling of unhappiness inside.

I keep telling myself to just hold on and let things come around. I keep telling myself that like everyone else is saying "things will get better." But then there are days like today when I don't even want to go back tomorrow. When I don't know if things will actually come around and be better.

But I will go to sleep and wake up to another day.. because that is what you do. And once again I will hope for a better day.

Lots of Tears

Today I had a pleasant surprise when my parents told me they were driving to Raleigh to bring me some things and take me out to dinner. My heart instantly became more joyful as I knew I was going to get to spend some time with my family. However in the back of my mind I knew that the one bad part about them coming, was that they were going to indeed have to leave again.

When they moved me into this apartment exactly three weeks ago today, they spent the night with me for my first night in the apartment. However, the next evening (my birthday) they packed up their cars and my moving truck and headed back to High Point. The second I said goodbye to my brother I began tearing up. But I'm the big sister so I held myself together and then off he went. My parents accompanied me back upstairs to my apartment and we said our goodbyes there. Well... I cried like a baby. When they left I continued to sob and I was fearful the same thing would happen tonight.

Well this time I made it until they were at least out the door and then I started crying. I cried because my family was going back "home" to where my heart still feels like it should be. Yet I'm here. Alone in this apartment, without a family. To be honest this is the first time I have been without family. At school I was only about 35 minutes from my biological family and I always lived with people that I loved like family. Now it's just me.

Now don't get me wrong, I love living alone. Truly I do. However, having my family here with me today reminded me what it is like to live with people that you love.

So once I started crying I just kept crying. I think I'm crying because I want to be back at Elon. I'm crying because I miss being with my family. I'm crying because I Miss the friends I used to be with 24/7. I think a part of me is also crying out of some frustrations at work.

This morning after hearing from my parents and receiving two sweet birthday gifts and cards from friends, I was reminded that life is about more than work (which has been consuming my world lately). Life is about loving God with your whole heart and having family and friends that you love and love you back.

I'm hoping that this week I will keep my eyes and my heart focused on the things that truly matter. The things and the people that I cry over when I'm forced to say "see you later." I'm hoping if I can focus on these things, that this week might be a little better.

Diamonds make this girl go crazy

Relationship talk is one of my least favorite parts about family functions. Being the single almost 22 year old, I feel like it is a constant topic of conversation. Upon recent events in my brother's romantic life I feel as if it has been even more prevalent in conversation than usual.

These conversations always bring up my deepest insecurities as I have been single for most of my life. I've only ever had one true boyfriend, and I'm not even sure that relationship really counted.

As I was sitting around the kitchen table with my Mom and Grandmother I asked to look at my Grandmother's ring. I was initially intrigued by it as I wondered what widows were supposed to do with their wedding rings. In her book I guess she has chosen to leave it on, but I just didn't know if that was normal. Anyway, I had her take it off so I could try it on. It didn't fit me, so then I turned to my Mom and asked to look at hers. Hers thankfully fit my finger, and I no longer felt like I had the biggest fingers in the world. True confession...I wore that ring for the rest of the evening.

Reader if I'm completely honest I even still have it on now. For a while I honestly just forgot it was there, but ever since I remembered it I haven't been able to get it off my mind! Something about the diamond has made me go batty on the inside. Let me give you a little insight has to why...The life I long for looks as follows:

Teach for a few years. Get married. Enjoy married life and teach a few more years. Have children. Be a swim mom. Or a soccer mom. Be a stay at home Mom. I want to have a family to love and grow and be proud of. I want a husband to love me. I want to have a husband who I love dearly. I want to have that person in my life who is "my person".

All of those things won't happen until I have that darn ring on my finger. No husband, no kids, no little (or big) family. So I guess in my mind a ring like this one holds a lot of power. As Lisa and Austin are about go get married.. As Dave and Carolyn are about to get married.. As Drea and Tim are about to get married.. I can't seem to get this topic off my mind.

I've prayed for years that God would at least give me a glimpse of this kind of romantic relationship so that I could see there was hope for me, but he has yet to do so. I'm discouraged. I feel like things in my life are really all coming together except for that one area. I have a great apartment. I have a job I think I am really going to like, and I have great friends and family that I am thankful for. The only thing I'm "missing" is this romantic relationship. It sounds so stupid, but I've longed for a boyfriend for so long and most of the time I'm okay with it. But then there are evenings, or days like today when I really just long for that relationship.

I keep secretly hoping that I'm going to move in August, meet a guy, know instantly that I will marry him and badda bing badda boom have myself the man of my dreams. But that is exactly what that is.. a dream.

So for now, I'm going to go and chat with God about granting my desires or at least changing them to crave singleness.

But first, I'm going to give my Mom her wedding ring back.

Storms

God taught me some things as I was driving through the WORST thunderstorm the other night.

1. When in the middle of a storm, you have to focus less on the end result, and more on what is right in front of you. You have to take things one step, or one white dash mark, at a time. When you take your eyes off of the very next dash mark things become blurry and scarier.

2.To successfully and safely make it through the storm you need to eliminate the unnecessary distractions (loud music, cell phones, etc) and focus on what is really important. During the storms of life we can easily be distracted by so many things and fail to focus on God.

3. During storms we can't forget that other people are struggling too, and some may be even struggling more than we are (ie the people wrecked in the middle of the road)

4. Making it through the storm and being back to safety is a wonderfully comforting feeling. There IS a promise of the end to the storm. For me it was arriving at my house after a two hour drive down 40. But eternally it is going to heaven. There will be a day when there will be no more storms and we will be with Jesus. Life there will be without storms as we are in perfect union with God. If that doesn't make you long for heaven then I don't know what does :)

Stuck in the Middle

I think most people alive and aware of their surroundings during the Brittany Spears era probably knows the song "Not a Girl" The words go something like, "I'm not a girl not yet a woman."

Lately I've felt a little off as I don't feel like there is a place where I really "fit". I'm in that in between land. I'm not a teenager, not a college student, not an adult. Well I guess technically I am an adult but I don't feel like one. I'm too old to truly fit in with the people who I work with, too young to fully mesh with the "grownups". When I see people that I think are my age though I don't really know if I fit there either. Most people my age have boyfriends. Most people my age love going out to bars at nights. I would rather stay home. As I go to JP Looneys every Tuesday night I always see people who I assume are around my age and I desire nothing of that lifestyle. I am so happy basking in the fact that I am going inside to eat my chicken fingers and chips with lots of kids and families that brighten my life. Those evenings also remind me of my deep longing for kids and a family of my own one day, which then reminds me of my singleness which reminds me of my insecurities of being single forever. That's a whole other can of worms. Back to this "in between stuff"

Pause. Basically this whole post is dealing with me not feeling as if I fit in with anyone and my confusion as to who and where I am in life right now. I think these fears are probably deeply seeded in the fact that I am moving in one month from tomorrow to a new city with people I don't know. I'm worried about finding friends, and fitting into a community like I had at school. HOWEVER, as I was sitting here typing all this out my little blackberry dinged, and being the addict that I am I immediately reached over to grab it. The email was from a girl who teaches 1st grade at my school who lives in my apartment complex. This is only her second year teaching, and she is currently on a mission trip to Honduras. Does this or does this not sound like someone who I could maybe be friends with in my new world??

I then received a text from one of my co-workers and an IM from another one.. but showing that I have real friendships with them. So what I'm not a teenager anymore but I can still be friends with them!

Lastly, I get a text and then have a 20 minute phone call with a "grownup" friend that was completely comfortable and enjoyable. So maybe I am an adult...?

So as I was starting to sit here in this rut of the "in between", God was throwing it in my face that there is nothing wrong with where I am. I have wonderful people and friends in my life right now. They may look different than they have over the past 4 years but so what!? I need to embrace the gifts and the people that I have. My God is for me... not against me. Everything will be fine.

Music on Repeat

Something you may or may not know about me is that when I find a song I like, I play it on repeat. Many people over the years have suffered because of this. Roommates, children I have babysat, my parents, and the list goes on. When I truly love a song I have no problem listening to it ten times in a row. The song doesn't get old to me! (Not that day anyway)

A few songs I particularly remember listening to repetitively are:
Testify to Love by Avalon (around 6th grade in my Mom's Van)
How Can I Keep from Singing (Freshman Year Spring Semester in my dorm room)
Red High Heels (Sophomore Year of College in my car driving Kess around)
Anything Wicked (London Semester Abroad)

There are tons of others but this is just to show you that when I get on a kick with a song, I literally listen to it so many times that I vividly remember the time and place of the obsession.


Today the song I have literally been listening to all night is a combination of two songs. Seize the Day from the Newsies and Go the Distance from Hercules. Both of these songs were written by Alan Menken who also wrote the music for great Disney movies such as Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Pocahontas, and most recently Enchanted. If you are familiar with any of these movies, you know the music is WONDERFUL.

Sometimes my obsession with songs is due to the meaning behind the song, or the message it portrays. Other times the obsession is simply due to the beauty of the music and my unrealistic desire to sing as beautifully as the musical theater majors at Elon singing in the video below.

The reason for this current obsession?
1. Love the arrangement. It's beautifully written, upbeat, and simply lifts my spirits
2. The meanings behind the two song are powerfully positive.

Seize the day simply talks about waking up and seizing each day without letting anyone or anything shake us. As things have been shaking me lately I love the concept that "we'll slay the giant if we're united."

Go the distance is from Hercules, but if you think about the lyrics with a heavenly perspective you can view it as dreaming of heaven which is the place where I am meant to be and where I will finally feel like I completely belong.

Some of the lyrics from the songs are listed below.
I would encourage you to click the link, listen to the whole song (Don't stop early) and let it encourage you as it has been continually encouraging me for the past couple of hours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tV_8nFuqK-w

Open the gates and seize the day
Don't be afraid and don't delay
Nothing can shake us
No one can make us
Give our rights away
Arise and Seize the Day!

I have often dreamed of a far off place where a great warm welcome would be made for me
Crowds will cheer when they see my face and a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be

Now is the time to seize the day
Send up the call and join the fray
Wrongs will be righted if we're united
Let us seize the day

Friends of the friends let's seize the day
Raise up the torch and light the way
Proud and defiant we'll slay the giant
Let us seize the day

I am on my way I can go the distance
Somehow I'll be strong
I know every mile will be worth my while

I wonder what song will be next?!

Thoughts from today

Having the unexpected ability to sleep late is a gift.
Swinging is good for the soul.
Waiting for something you want isn't easy, but sometimes required.
Laughing children can bring joy out of simple moments.
Dogs and cats are truly good companions.
You have to be willing to give people chances and search for the best in them.
If someone pooping in the pool is the worst part of your day.. then your day has been pretty good.
Surprise japanese takeout can sound like a million bucks after 4 hours of swim team.
Worrying about tomorrow only makes today more stressful than it should be.

Cleaning Away the Imperfections

Around 11 this evening I went on a crazy cleaning spree. Everything around me felt as if it was spinning out of control and I had no control over anything. My response: CLEAN

Lately I have felt as if I can't do anything right. Every relationship. Every action. Every lack of action. Whatever it is I do or whoever it is I interact with I'm messing up in one way or another. I can look back at every friendship, every involvement in an organization, and tell you how and when I failed those people or those organizations. I know the complete feeling of inadequacy is coming from the devil, but I think hidden in there somewhere are convictions from God.

Cleaning however... I can't mess that up. All that cleaning can do is make things better. It is taking something so dirty and making it clean. That is why I turned to this simple routine chore in the middle of my emotions. I cleaned for a little over an hour fighting tears all the way through as I kept thinking of my imperfections and how badly I want to be "cleaned". How I would love to be perfect, but I know that isn't an option.

As I kept thinking about how imperfect I am and how broken things are in this world, I have never more strongly longed to be with God. How I can't wait for the day when relationships are restored, earthly pain and suffering is taken away, and we are fully reconciled with Christ.

Until then, God I just pray to be more like You. Full of more Love, more Joy, more Peace, more Patience, more Kindness, more Goodness, more Faithfulness, more Gentleness, and more Self Control.

God Clean out my heart...

May 2nd and 3rd

Sunday was a very relaxing day at home. I went to church, and watched some tv, but nothing too incredibly special.

Yesterday was a great day because I had no class! I had breakfast with Abby and it was great to catch up on all things life with her. Then I had a glorious trip to wally world with Natalie. After a nutritious lunch I headed to Raleigh to pick Rachel up from the airport. On our way back we stopped at Southpoint and got yummy apples :)

Once arriving back at school I took a quick nap and then headed to Margarita Monday at Monterreys with Brandy and Sara. Brandy was asked out on a date by our waiter and the funniest part was that the entire interaction was in spanish! HAAAA. Brandy did a great job keeping her composure though... proud of her!

We then had an induction ceremony for an honors society where I saw more people that I thoroughly enjoy including one of my pre-school teachers!! Afterward Tennis House took a trip to the gym. After some time on the treadmill I may have accidentally dropped the exercise ball on Natalie's face. SO SORRY NAT! I'm incredibly thankful that she didn't wake up with a black and blue eye this morning.

All of yesterday was wonderful because I spent it with my favorite people. I hope the days keep happening like that :)

LOVE.

May 1- May Flowers

Many things about May are wonderful... one of which being the flowers that supposedly come after a month of rain. For me May holds the end of an amazing journey and the beginning of a new one. In 3 weeks from today I will graduate from college and officially enter adulthood. This truth has been brutally apparent today as the calendar turned from April to May and as I purchased a dress for the graduation festivities.

With the few short days that are left in college, I want to take advantage of every precious moment I am given. I want to ensure I am spending quality time with the people I care about the most, and doing things that bring joy and happiness.

I'm going to do my best to record these events on my blog. I want to remember what the end of a great 4 years was like. Today has been a great beginning to this month of excitement. Brandy and Sara and I spent the day gallivanting around Greensboro. We ate lunch, I had my first ever double cheeseburger, and then shopped around the mall. We spent the first hour or so playing with puppies at the pet store! Puppies are incredibly good for the soul. I was convinced we were going to walk out of that store with a dog. Then the girls got pedicures while I searched for a graduation dress. I purchased two dresses that I really liked because I couldn't make a decision. Hopefully I'll pick one soon so I can return the losing candidate and have the money charged back to my card. We then sat in line for a second failed attempt at seeing the musical on campus. I just reheated left over Tokyo and finished a book I have been reading for about a week. In about an hour or so we will be heading out for drinks with another friend to celebrate her 22nd birthday. Doesn't that sound like a great day?

I hope that the rest of these May days I have at Elon are as wonderful as today.

God Speaks

So last night as a friend and I were contemplating our evening activities, we found ourselves on the topic of alcohol and God's view on drinking etc.

At that point I think God called Pastor Mark and said, "I think you should go have a honest conversation with these girls about your word and the truths found there."

Pastor Mark must have responded and said, "Don't worry I'll get them in the morning at church in front of everybody else."

We definitely weren't expecting it as we walked into church this morning that is for sure. The sermon was all about deception and the way the devil tries to deceive us into believing things other than the God's truths. In the garden of eden Satan tried to convince Eve to bring Go's word under human judgment. The devil still does that today! We are constantly questioning, "Did God really say that?" We try to modify what the scriptures say based on our feelings. Also, we do things that we may know are wrong, with the understanding that God will forgive us.

However, the word of God is 100% of God and there is no wiggle room in what it says right. If I say that I believe that the bible is the word of God then who am I to think I can go and change the meanings to meet my needs?

Matthew 7:13-15 Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

As a Christian I am called to enter through the small gate and walk down the narrow road that leads to life.

So now my goal is to learn to narrow the roads I am walking down.

If I Found my Identity in Christ...

...I would be more confident.
...I wouldn't be so embarrassed when I mess up.
...I wouldn't care so much about what people think of my sorority.
...I would have a better concept of who I am.
...I wouldn't have to work so hard to please others.
...I would be more okay with the mistakes I make.

If I found my identity in Christ life wouldn't be easier.. but some things would definitely improve.

Falling in love with Jesus...

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I travel
Wider than the gap you fill

I am falling in love with Jesus and his love is indescribable. He loves me in ways that I can't fathom. His love is perfect and can conquer anything. If you know His love then that warms my heart.

If you don't...I pray that you will. It is the best thing that ever happened to me and the best thing that ever will.

Question # 1

Is my relationship with God my number one priority?

I want to say yes. But I'm not sure I can and stlil answer honestly. I don't even know what that question really means. What does it look like to have your relationship with God as your number one priority? The first thing that I thought it looked like was loving Him with all my heart soul and mind?

If so... what does it look like to love God that way? I personally see it as loving other people. Seeing as He isn't a physical being on earth for me to love on, I see loving God as loving Him through others. But then I feel as if I am back to the point of putting my relationships with others before God.

I've been sitting here trying to figure it out, but to no success. I shamelessly turned to the world of google, and googled something to the effect of "how do you put your relationship with God first?" I perused through one site that was lame and gave me the following "steps"

"But seek first the kingdom and his righteousness..."
Worship God
Hear from God
Meditate on God
Pray to God

Not super helpful. I know these things. But I want the REAL answer.

So I tried another site, that was like a Christian chat room where someone had posted a similar question. I read through lots of the responses and still didn't find anything helpful. As I was nearing the bottom of a rather lengthy chat discussion a short one liner caught my eye: "fall in love with Jesus."

This answer struck me. What a simple answer. Fall in love with Jesus.

I can't claim to ever have been in love, but when people are in love, I think that relationship (when healthy) becomes a huge priority. So if I truly fell in love with Jesus, it would be simple for Him to be my number one relationship. Right?

I'm gonna try to focus more and more on the reasons I love God and fall more and more in love with him. I guess we will see where this journey takes me.

Full of Questions...

Is my relationship with God my number one priority?
What IS my number one priority?
What are my motives behind loving other people?
What relationships do I place too much pressure on?
What or who am I turning into Gods?
Is my relationship with myself healthy?
Am I ambitious in the negative kinds of ways?
Why do I always have to be busy?
Do I live only to glorify myself?
Where do my insecurities come from?
Why isn't God healing me the way I ask?
What good could come from the pain I feel?
In what areas of my life does God want to bring redemption?
What makes me worthy of love from others?
Why do I feel inadequate?
How is God so forgiving after my continuous failures?
What do I really have to complain about?
How wrapped up am I in myself and worldly things?
Where do my struggles originate from?
Why am I so blessed and others aren't?
Why am I using quick fixes to problems that God could heal?
Do I underestimate the power of God?
Am I ready to have God fully reign in my life?

Tonight our intern Lizzie spoke at IV. Her talk, coupled with some amazing worship brought me to all of the questions above. My goal over the next couple of weeks is to tackle these questions as I more intimately pursue a honest and authentic relationship with my God.

Let the Countdown Begin...

Here is my official warning, if you don't want to know the facts and figures about the time left here at Elon... stop reading (or rather skip the next 4 lines)

Time till Graduation (May 22, 2010)
56,160 Minutes
936 Hours
39 Days
6 Weeks (Counting This One)
5 Weekends (6 if you count graduation weekend)

This reality hit me tonight as I sat with Natalie and we realized we only have three weekends left together. My stomach literally flipped upside down a couple of times as this reality began to sink in, or flip in, whichever way you look at it.

That is not a lot of time. I'm trying to not let the fear of running out of time ruin my moments.

The moments are what mean so much. Sitting in church Thursday night holding tightly onto my roommates as we cried together. Kayaking on the lake on Saturday. Margarita Monday this evening filled with joyous laughs and honest conversations. Talking until 12:30 am when you are getting up for class at 7.

My goal for every day is going to be to see past the stresses of life (papers, projects, meetings, etc) and look for the moments that I'm going to remember.

These are the moments that matter, with the people that matter. To my people...you mean the world to me. I'm looking forward to every last moment we have together before we each begin our new adventures.

A post with no real point...

Many things happened today that are basically unrelated, and in the grand scheme of things relatively unimportant but I'm going to document anyway.

The day began with my stomach in knots. My first trip to the gynecologist would begin my day. Welcome to the adult world! That's all I'm going to say about that.

I then spent some time in conversation with my friend Kyle were I proceeded to tell him that my gynecologist appointment had gone well. This is hilarious because one random day he was looking through one of my roommates phone and saw a text saying I had scheduled an appointment there. He was mortified. I thought it would be funny to say something to him after my appointment just for a good laugh. I have to take a moment to say that this is not something I would do with any random boy.. but if you knew Kyle you would understand. Nothing phases him. We had lunch and the gynecologist was openly discussed. Weird? Nahh. Hilarious. Normal.

After that lovely lunch I went to class where I got outwardly frustrated with a professor and told her so. If you know me, then you know this is highly out of character for me. That is how angry she made me. So I left feeling flustered, and tense. Thanks for that. (True Thanks to Natalie for rubbing my back later to help decrease some of the tension in my shoulders)

I quickly rushed to my 3:30 meeting with a guy who I am currently praising the Lord for. He told me that this massive project I have looming over my head will basically be completed by HIM if I just get all the materials to him! GREAT NEWS! Now I just need to bug all the fellows to get their stuff to me. Then we will be good to go :)

Dinner time came around and we had house dinner. Natalie cooked Tacos :) yumm. We had strawberry shortcake for dessert. Well one thing led to another and four 21/22 year old girls were food fighting with cool whip. We are still finding cool whip remains in various places of the house but it was totally worth it. We were genuinely laughing together. Soaking up these precious moments we have before graduation.

We then had a lovely little pow-wow with two sophomores who are going to London like we did. We reminisced and gave advice, and just had fun being together.

I then found out Greg and his girlfriend broke up. She dumped him. His little heart was broken. I could hear him holding the tears back as he told me. His texts to me throughout the evening just made me sad. I know he is in so much pain. I want to be able to look at him and say "Greg... you are 16. It is going to be fine." But I know to him the pain is so real. I just received a text they are kind of dating again on a "trial basis" whatever that means. I just hope he is happy. I love that boy.

Okay well that's all.

Tomorrow I have
8-Class
9:45- Meeting
10:45- Presentation
1:00- Meeting
2:00- Meeting
5:00- Dinner with a friend
6:00- Birthday Dinner
9:00- Greys
10:00 Thursday Night Worship

Then it will be FRIDAY! Then the WEEKEND! Whew.
Then next week which is going to kick my butt. Great :)

To-Do Lists

I love lists.
I love getting things done.
I love being productive.
I love feeling as if I have accomplished things during the day.

I hate sitting still.
I hate disorganization.
I hate doing nothing.
I hate feeling as if the day has had no purpose to it.

Because of all of these things. I am constantly working on something. I am continually completing tasks and checking them off my list.

My list today included:
-Breakfast with Dad and Grammy
-Deal with forms at doctors office
-Notarize Application
-Haircut
-Deposit Money
-Email about Teaching Fellows Project
-Get dress measurements for Lisa's wedding

I have marked each one of these things off of my list and it is only 2:35 in the afternoon. Of course there are other things on my general life to do list, but this was specifically for this morning. Each of these things dealt with a different area of my life: social, health, personal, academic. Therefore my mind in this moment is all over the place. I am having trouble just sitting. I feel like I need something to do. Unfortunately the next thing on my list is my brother's tennis match at 4:30.

My roommate Natalie told me a couple of weeks ago that is okay to not do anything at all. Those words to me were like a revelation! She was telling me that it was okay, and even a good thing, to just relax, and just be.

As the last leg of my college career is now before me I really need to work on just enjoying the things around me. For example right now my Grandmother is here, and my Dad is home. I should be okay just sitting with them and enjoying their company. But instead I am all over the place trying to "get things done". My life is not so important that I need to be focused on the things. I need to be focused on the people.

Phew. Okay. I'm gonna take a few deep breaths and just enjoy being in the presence of my 90 year old Grammy sleeping across the room. I think I am going to put the lists away. (Until tomorrow anyway)

Friends.

"Even though we're all changing and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point were we're not all still friends."

I'm feeling blessed to say I have some people in my life that this quote is applicable to. Things in my world are changing right now in big ways. 52 days from now I will be graduating from college. There I said it. The "G" word. GRADUATING. Ready or not here it comes. BUT, there are some things that amidst all the change will remain constant. Those things are my friends. Not my surface level friends or acquaintances, but my deep, honest friendships.

At the end of an evening full of tears of fear of the future... i'm stopping to be thankful for the blessings I have in each of these dear friends.

Hard Things

The past 24 hours have brought me to asking God many questions.

Why do young people die?
Why do children suffer from cancer?


The list goes on and on. My friend Beth's brother died in a motorcycle accident last night and my heart is hurting so much for her and her family right now. I never met Daniel, but I can only imagine the pain that the family is experiencing. I'm lucky to know that even though we walk through the shadow of death... it is just that... a shadow. I can't imagine ever going through something like this without my Jesus by my side. I hope this family has that comfort to rely on during such a trying time.

Also, I read a blog about a little girl in HP named Kate who has cancer. It has been a rough ride for this sweet little one and tomorrow she is having a bone aspiration (I believe those are the right words) to find out if this new expiramental drug is doing anything at all. This is really her last option, and I am begging God to let it work. Seeing sick children also makes my heart hurt. To see them experience so much pain and agony at such a young age is heartbreaking.

This is only a glimpse into the pain of two random people. I could sit here and list out to you the pain in each and every one of my friend's lives. What hurts their hearts and their souls. I could list you the things that cause me pain.

Why is there so much pain and suffering in this world? Is it because God wants to bring us closer to him? Is it because we live in an imperfect world and the only perfect place is heaven? Someone posed this question to me yesterday: "What is the point of being on Earth? If we're never meant to be fully satisfied here.. and true happiness is waiting for us in Heaven... then what is the point here?"

I responded with the point here is to experience as much of God's goodness during our time here. I'm not sure if I said this or not but our time is also to bring the good news of Christ to others... so they can experience it as well.

So if the point of this life is to live just to be with God... then we should be happy when people die? But we aren't. We're sad. We're sad when people are dieing. Also... what about the people who we aren't sure whether or not they ever asked God in their lives? What about them?

I'm confused.

All I can do in this moment is pray. I'm begging God to hold Beth's family. I'm begging God to let Kate's test go well tomorrow and bring positive news. I'm begging God to help me sort through my questions and bring me closer to him.

Interviews

Today I had my first five interviews of the job search process. Fortunately for my anxiety level I have had other things to "stress" about over the past week and was unable to fully comprehend the stressfulness today would bring.

The past 24 hours have been a rollercoaster of emotion. Let's start with yesterday afternoon.

2:00 My fine arts class got out over an hour early. A group of us decided to celebrate St. Patricks Day Mexican style. (Happy)

2:30 We headed to Monterreys for Chips and Cheese Dip and Margaritas. Knowing there would be no evening celebration of any kind, we decided we deserved a relaxing afternoon before we truly started stressing about the interviews before us. (Peace)

6:30- Went to drugstore to pick up my prescription which they informed me they would not fill because my insurance wouldn't approve it without prior approval or something. This resulted in a complete mental meltdown. This was my first emotional meltdown in over a month, so it was releasing lots of emotions and this was simply the breaking point. (Anger, Sadness, Fear, Uncertainty)

7:30- Sat in car with roommate outside of restaurant trying to calm down enough to enter. Bless her soul. (Worry)

9:00- Went to the Library to print 39 page life story paper on birth through high school. (Relief)

11:00- Home from library (got distracted at the library for a while... and it really wasn't two hours... so not sure what time is off here)(Panic)

11:15- Prayed with Brandy about all things life: interviews, sickness, unemployment, papers, fear, and the list continues. It was intense. (Peace)

12:10- Natty came home from the library and we chatted about interviews!! EEK (Nervous excitement)

7:20 am- I begin hearing my roommates alarm going off in the other room... that's how lightly I was sleeping (Subtle Stress)

7:30 am- My alarm went off and I woke up in sheer panic mode. (Complete panic)

8:45- Walked out the door for interviews (anticipation)

9-10 Open job fair (Uncomfortable)

10-12 Scheduled Interviews (Excitement/Nervousness)

12-1 Lunch (rushed)

1-1:30 Final Interview (Respected)

1:30- Teacher Fair Over!! (RELIEF)

Phew...

The rest of today has been spent around here getting things ready to leave for spring break tomorrow!!! (Bahamas Baby)

As I reflect on today, I'm proud of myself for the way things went. I got discouraged at one point, but I know I did the best I knew how. I sat up straight, I made eye contact, I tried to speak intelligently. I did my best to seem genuine and interested. I walked up to people at the open fair and introduced myself even though it felt uncomfortable. I received some feedback from various people that was encouraging, and I left the experience feeling good about myself and my future.

For a first job interviewing experience I don't believe it could have been any better. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity. It would be amazing if this resulted in a job, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that will happen at this point.

Well this entry really serves no purpose other than to simply document today. Kind of a big day in my world.

Well I'm exhausted and the dog across the street is howling, which is my sign that it's time to get some shut eye.

Identity

A beautiful young lady spoke at InterVarsity tonight. I've known Sarah for almost three years now, and I was excited to hear her speak her heart to our chapter. She began her talk by having us introduce ourselves to the person sitting beside us. She recognized that more than likely we knew the people we were sitting with, but the point was to see what types of things we introduced ourselves with.

Below is my introduction to you... the reader.

"Hi my name is Laura, I'm a senior elementary education major from North Carolina. I love musicals and coaching swimming. I'm known for being overly busy, even though this fact has majorly changed this semester. I'm in a sorority, and served on the exec board my junior year. I was an orientation leader and spent the next year working for New Student Orientation Head Staff. I studied abroad for a semester in London England, and traveled all over Europe. Since then I've been to Mexico and Spain for vacation with one of my roommates. I will soon be leaving for my first ever cruise and my first trip to the Bahamas. I have a wonderful family and a great group of friends from high school and from college."

Those kinds of things might come up in an introductory conversation with someone. This in turn would be sort of my identity statement to them. All of those things answer the question, 'who am I?' Notice however, God is never mentioned. Wouldn't it be cool to introduce myself as Laura, a daughter of Christ? This should be my identity... yet we place our identities on anything other than Him. Over the years I have tried to find my identity in a number of those things.

I have tried to find my identity in:
My Major
Swimmimng
My Image
Head Staff
InterVarsity
Friends
Familiy
Experiences
Being liked
My Looks
Boyfriends (or lack there of)
Success
Involvement
Busyness


I'm asking God to search my heart and show me where I am placing my identity. The pastor at one of the churches I attend says that sin is placing your identity in anything other than God. I do that ALL. THE. TIME.

When I look in a mirror, or when someone looks at me, I don't want them to see those things first. I don't want my first thoughts about myself or their first thoughts about me to be that I'm an education major, or an involved person, or someone with great friends.

I want my identity to be defined by God. When I look in a mirror, I want to see God. I want others to see Christ in me. I want Him to be my identity.


"Mirror I am seeing a new reflection. I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me. And to him I have beauty compare. I know He defines me."- Barlow Girl

(Dis)appointment

Excerpts from "Traveling Light" By Max Lucado (One of my favorite books)

"Most of us like appointments. Even the organizationally inepts like appointments. Appointments create a sense of predictability in an unpredictable world. Down deep we know we control the future as much as a caboose controls the train, yet our Day-Timers give us the illusion that we do. A disappointment reminds us that we don't. A disappointment is a missed appointment. What we hoped would happen, didn't."

Lucado talks about how we can let the wounds from our disappointments consume our life or we can follow the example of the apostle Paul.

"His goal was to be a missionary in Spain. Rather than send Paul to Spain, howeveer, God sent him to prison. Sitting in a Roman jail, Paul could have made the same choice as Miss Haversham(Great Expectations), but he didn't. Instead he said, "As long as I'm here, I might as well write a few letters." Hence your bible has the Epistles to Philemon, the Philippians, the Colossians, and the Ephesians. No doubt Paul would have done a great work in Spain. But would it have compared with the work of those four letters?"

We all face disappointment in our lives, and it's painful.

"How did you handle it? Better asked, how are you handling it? Could you use some help? I've got just what you need. Six words in the fifth verse of the Twenty-third Psalm: "You anoint my head with oil."

Clearly the question is what does oil have to do with disappointment. Lucado goes on to explain that in ancient Israel shepherds used oil for three purposes: to repel insects, to prevent conflicts, and to heal wounds. Bugs bug people, but they can kill sheep. The annoy and pester sheep to no end. They can drive them so intensely crazy that the sheep will beat their heads against trees, and may even kill themselves when they get too frenzied. The oil also keeps them from head butting each other, and then repairs any wounds they receive.

"Just like sheep we have wounds, but ours are wounds of the heart that come from disappointment after disappointment. If we're not careful, these wounds lead to bitterness. And so just like sheep, we need to be treated."

"So we, like the sheep, get wounded. And we, like the sheep, have a shepherd. Remember the words read? "We belong to him; we are his people, the sheep he tends. (Ps 100:3) He will do for you what the shepherd does for the sheep. He will tend to you."

"Jesus tends to his sheep. And he will tend to you. If you will let him. How? How do you let him? The steps are so simple. First, go to him. David would trust his wounds to no other person but God. He said, "YOU anoint my head with oil." Not, "your prophets," "your teachers," or "your counselors." Others may guide us to God. Others may help us to understand God. But no one does the work of God, for only God can heal. God "heals the brokenhearted."(Ps. 147.3)"

"Have you taken your disappointments to God? You've shared them with your neighbor, your relatives, your friends. But have you taken them to God? James says, "Anyone who is having troubles shoudl pray" (James 5:13)"

"Before you go anywhere else with your disappointments, go to God."

"Your first step is to go to the right person. Go to God. Your second step is to assume the right posture. Bow before God. In order to be anointed, the sheep must stand still, lower their heads, and let the shepher do his work. Peter urges us to be "humble under God's powerful hand so he will lift you up when the right time comes" (1 Pet 5:6)"

"When we come to God, we make requests; we don't make demands. We come with high hopes and a humble heart. We state what we want, but we pray for what is right. And if God gives us the prison of Rome instead of the mission of Spain, we accept it because we know "God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them (Luke 18:7)"

"We go to him. We bow before him, and we trust in him."

"The sheep doesn't understand why the oil repels the flies. The sheep doesn't understand how the oil heals the wounds. In fact, all the sheep knows is that something happens in the presence of the shepherd. And that's all we need to know as well. "Lord, I give myself to you; my God, I trust you." (Ps. 25:1-2)"

"Go."

"Bow."

"Trust."

"Worth a try, don't you think?"

On... Fear

The other day while driving home from the grocery store my good friend and I struck up a conversation about fear. I would have to say that fear is not a word talked about often in everyday situations. Fear is personal, fear is scary, and fear isn't particularly easy to think about much less discuss with another person.

Let me be the first to tell you I fear a lot of things in life. Do these fears control me or dictate my actions? No... but they are real none the less. Some of my fears are ridiculous, while others are more deeply seeded and valid in my opinion.

Here is an example of something ridiculous that i'm "scared" of: I hate sticky things like tape, bandaids, stickers, etc on my body. I wouldn't say that I'm truly scared of them but my friends always grew up saying, "Laura is scared of sticky things." After writing about that it sounds ridiculous, so let's move on.

If I'm completely honest with myself and with you the reader, I'm scared of bigger things such as being alone forever, and death. I fear never finding someone to spend my life with. I fear loneliness.

Death is a fear because I'm scared of missing out on life, or missing sharing it with someone. Furthermore I'm scared of what life after death is like. I'm a Christian so I know what I believe about life after death, but no one really knows what it is like. The control freak in me fears the unknown.

As I sit on the edge of a major life change with major unknowns in my future, you can guess the level of fear and anxiety I might be feeling. Don't get me wrong... I'm excited, yet fear always lingers.

Pick a story... and tell it!

Yesterday wasn't my favorite day ever. Nothing bad really happened, and nothing really went wrong, yet I was simply in an awful mood. I was snapping at my roommates, my parents and ultimately anyone I interacted with. Aren't you sad you missed it reader?

Well around 2:30 I was sitting in my fine arts class which is never my favorite anyway, when I received an email on my phone from my mother. She informed me that my 16 year old brother would be in Elon that evening for the basketball game. Normally this type of news would have overjoyed me, but based on my track record for the day thus far I was less than pleased.

I rather quickly sent my brother a snappy text message asking why he hadn't previously told me he was coming. If I had known, I would have arranged my schedule in such a way that I could have gone to the game too! After a few snippy responses back and forth I finally calmed down and we agreed to catch up with each other later.

Around 7:45 that evening I stopped by the game to say hello to him on my way to the gym. As soon as I saw him I forgot about my frustrations and was simply happy to see him. His friends and I enjoyed some time together at the game and then some time at my house afterwards. It was amazing how a little quality time with one of my favorite people could truly warm my heart.

ESFJ

After a couple of weeks of reading, contemplation, and discussions, I firmly believe that I am an ESFJ according to the Meyers Brigg Scale. I am an energetic, sensing, feeling, and judging person. When reading an article called “Portrait of an ESFJ” I honestly felt as if the authors were writing the paper about me personally. ESFJs are known as the caregivers. They love to nurture and take care of others. This implies that ESFJs focus most of their energy externally and on other people. As a part of this, ESFJs are very good at reading others. They really pay attention to other people’s feelings and reactions. They are generally warm, caring, sympathetic, and enthusiastic people. They are also very good at seeing a need, and taking care of it before many would even realize there was a need in the first place. ESFJs are very good with traditional rules, laws, and plans. They struggle when forced to think critically, abstractly, or outside of the box.

The descriptions thus far generally make ESFJs look like pretty solid people. However, they have many down falls. First, ESFJs have a strong desire to be liked by others. This implies that they will change their mannerisms depending on who they are around at that time. They look for this approval from others in order to feel good about themselves. Along the same lines, ESFJs are huge people pleasers. At times they will go too far in order to make others happy. When they are not successful at pleasing people and others are upset with them, they are easily wounded and wear their emotions on their sleeves. Also, ESFJs have a strong desire to be in control. This really becomes challenging when they attempt to control people who don’t want to be controlled!

I could write stories for days that portray the strengths and weaknesses of my ESFJ personality. However for the sake of time, and space, I am just going to tell a few. One night during my sophomore year of school I have a vivid memory of a situation where my ESFJ personality was very clear. That evening three friends and I had been asked by three older girls to live in their house for the following two years. The four of us were beyond excited and honored to be living in this house they called Tennis House. In the moment I was thrilled to say yes to these girls because I knew it was what they wanted, and deep down it was what I wanted too. However, there was a little issue that would be waiting for me when I arrived back to Sloan 322.

One of our other dear friends, and my roommate from the year prior was going to be heartbroken when she heard this news. I knew that she wanted to live with us, but there simply wasn’t room for her in our house. I had major doubts about accepting this offer simply because I knew she would be crushed. Yet I had many other people in my life, clearly not ESFJs, who were telling me that I had to make this decision for myself and not for her. The people pleaser in me wanted no part in breaking this news to her. However, being her closest friend, I knew it was my duty to tell her. Unfortunately, for fear of her reaction, I ended up breaking the news to her casually online. I knew her feelings would be crushed and that her reaction would be negative. Once I realized that my decision to break this news to her via the computer had been an awful one, I quickly scurried down to her room. She clearly wanted no parts in talking to me, and I felt like the scum of the Earth. Her current roommate told me that she was hysterical and didn’t want to talk to me. Knowing that I had upset her so much sent my emotions over the edge. It left me upset in the middle of the night, and I took a walk with my friend Jeremy to talk out my thoughts and emotions. The entire situation from start to finish caused me stress and anxiety because I was so overly concerned with the emotions and feelings of others.

ESFJs quickly see what needs to be done, and act quickly to take care of it. One time when I have strong memories about this was when I was on a retreat with New Student Orientation Head Staff. The 16 of us piled into two, white, university owned vans, and headed to a beautiful house in Seven Lakes. Once arriving there, we were going to be cooking every meal for the duration of the weekend. At the completion of every meal, I would automatically notice that the dishes were starting to pile up and that the kitchen was a mess. I would quickly delve into the pile of dishes, and start cleaning up. I saw the need, and quickly took initiative to take care of it. Others in my group wouldn’t even notice the dishes, until me and the other young lady, who must also be an ESFJ, were almost done with them. This isn’t much of a story, but simply a brief glimpse into the way things often work in my world. I am quick to see needs, and take action.

The next story revolves around my friend who for the sake of this story we will call Alex. Alex was extremely sick and couldn’t stop throwing up. The other girls who were living in her suite literally left her to fend for herself in the midst of her sickness. As soon as I got news of her illness I immediately made a phone call to see what she needed. She needed some Ginger Ale and some saltines. Therefore I quickly headed to the grocery store and arrived at her dorm as soon as possible. Not only did I bring her the things she needed, but I stayed in her room by her side trying to do whatever I could do to be helpful in her time of need. More than anything she just wanted someone to talk to, yet no one would come within 10 feet of her for fear of getting sick. I spent a while that afternoon just sitting in her room keeping her company. I loved being able to nurture her and take care of her in the same ways I would want to be taken care of in similar situations.

The next story revolves around my need for control, as most ESFJs have. Fall of sophomore year I was in desperate need for a job. I was about to be leaving for a semester abroad and knew that extra income would be desirable. Relatively quickly I found a job babysitting for two angelic looking little girls with golden blonde hair. I was soon to realize that they weren’t as angelic as I first thought. The girls were two and four years of age. The four year old and I literally battled with each other every day. The control freak in me needed to feel in control of the situations and of her at all times. The problem here lied within the fact that the four year old also desired to be in control at all times. The two of us continually battled for control day after day after day. Many a day ended with one of the two of us in tears. I’m telling you… it was bad. It was honestly one of the most exhausting jobs I had ever had. Probably the biggest problem was that I didn’t see our issues as battles for control, but rather as poor behavior from the kid. Thankfully one day, while having a conversation with a trusted adult, she pointed something out to me. She said, “Laura, you are simply battling for control with a four year old. Don’t you know who really has the control in these situations?” She reminded me that I was the grown-up and therefore automatically in control. She suggested that I really think about this next time I interacted with her and not allow myself to verbally fight with a four year old. After months of awful fighting, I changed my way of thinking and our relationship grew and improved by leaps and bounds.

Hopefully all of these stories give you a quick glimpse into my life as an ESFJ. Are you convinced?

Love.

"I want to pour myself fully into the ones I love."

What does it look like?
Who do I truly love?
How do I do this?

Blog world I'm going to think on this and get back to you...

Peace

I was reading in my bible study this morning about the fruits of the spirit and how God takes a significant amount of time to grow these traits in each of us.

Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-Control

How evident are the fruits of the spirit in my life these days? I'm not too sure... The one I have definitely been struggling with the most is peace. I haven't truly felt peaceful or at rest for probably upwards of two weeks. Not being peaceful is exhausting. Constant worry. Never being fully content. This means you aren't joyful. You aren't good at loving others. You aren't as kind and DEFINITELY not as patient. You aren't nearly as gentle with yourself or others and have little to no self control.

Sounds like this lack of peace in my life is severly affecting many other areas. I was reading about how it takes a lot of time for God to build these character traits in us and that there is never a quick fix.

"Many people go to a counselor with a personal or relational probelem that took years to develop and say "I need you to fix me. I've got an hour." They naively expect a quick solution to a long standing, dep rooted difficulty. Since most of our problems- and all of our bad habits- didn't develop overnight, it's unrealistic to expect them to go away immediately. There is no pill, prayer, or principle that will instantly undo the damage of many years. It requires the hard work or removal and replacement."

I am at fault of all the things listed above. I've been wanting a quick fix to my anxiety issues. A statement, a pill, a change of heart, anything really. I want God to heal my heart miraculously so that I wake up tomorrow feeling peaceful. Yet that isn't how He works. In all honesty I've never really been a calm or peaceful person. Why? Where did I learn to be this way? What is setting me off so strongly right now?

The future? Possibly. Even writing the word future my chest has tightened and my breathing has become more laborious. What confuses me about the whole situation though is how I really do feel some sort of excitement about the future. I'm excited to see: Where I'm going to move. Where and what I'm going to teach. Who I'm going to meet. Who my husband will be. Exciting things! I have the beginning of the rest of my life ahead of me. So why the panic? Why the anxiety?

Why the anxiety in the midst of lingerie showers for good friends, and movie nights with the roommates? Why the anxiety when eating at my favorite restaurant of all time with some of my favorite people? It doesn't make any sense to me and it makes me angry. The external events of my life seem to be so great! So why the internal war?

There seems to be an absence of fruit from my life lately and oh how I desire for it to return. The only physical fruit I have consumed lately was the banana in my peanut butter banana shake from cookout that I finished off this morning. And that is more than I can say about the presence of spiritual fruit in my life

God I'm ready to begin whatever growing process you want to send me throuh in order to learn about being more peaceful and less anxious. Can we start now?

I was created to become like Christ...

So this morning I woke up and decided I couldn't go to the gym. I'm not sure if it is because I am too mentally or physically tired, but something deep within me told me I couldn't go. (I guarantee this will cause a mental battle later but for now it's okay) I attempted to spend real time with God, because let's be honest it really hasn't happened in a while.

I think something that nudged me to do this was the KLOVE encouraging word I received this morning. I laid in my bed, checking my email and this is what it said:
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 1 Corinthians 10: 4-5

It was as if the very first thing God said to me this morning was that I am fighting my battles with God's power behind me. So I pulled out my purpose driven life book, which is the book I had most recently been working through. The chapter I came across was called Created to Become Like Christ.

Some of the best quotes I came across include:
"Only the Holy Spirit has the power to make the changes God wants to make in our lives."
"God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him." Phillippians 2:13
"We choose to do the right thing in situations and then trust God's Spirit to give us his power, love, faight, and wisdom to do it."
"The Holy Spirit releases his power the moment you take a step of faith"
"Obedience unlocks God's Power."
"Move ahead in your weaknesses, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings."
"First we must choose to let go of old ways of acting"
"Let the Spirit change your way of thinking." Ephesians 4:23
"The Greek word for transformed, metamorphosis, is used today to describe the amazing change a caterpillar goes through in becoming a butterfly."
"God's word provides the truth we need to grow, God's people provide the support we need to grow and circumstances provide the environment we need to practice Christlikeness."
"You must make a counter-culture decision to focus on becoming more like Jesus."

So is it just me or does it seem like these things were written directly to me? The two that are bolded are where I am currently caught up. The Holy Spirit releases his power the moment you take a step of faith.. that means before the Holy Spirit will work in my heart I have to make a leap of faith. Taking that leap of faith takes courage!

The last one talks about making a counter culture decision. Again this is what I know I need to do, but I don't know if I want to? What is wrong with my heart? These words are all the things I need to hear, and if I was in a better spot would be enough evidence to help me get my act together.

Yet I still desperately want to cling to my old ways, my old habits. So do I want to be like Christ or not? I guess it's time for me to make a bold decision. Now the question is how am I going to do that? What will it take to change my heart?

Life Stories

Welcome to the 2nd semester of my senior year of college! It is unbelievable to me that I have been at Elon for 3 1/2 years and that I only have 108 days left! Elon has been the place where I have searched to figure out who God is, who I am, and who I am in Christ. Elon has been the place where I have felt the most heartache and many of my greatest joys.

Yesterday I embarked on a journey called "Life Stories". In reality I should say I began a class called Life Stories... but I truly believe it is going to be a journey. This class is only offered at 8 am, and I am choosing to take it simply because I think it will be great for me. The purpose of the class is for students to reflect on their past, present, and future while getting to know who they really are. What a great thing to do right before graduation?

I purchased a new journal and began the process of writing my life story. The next two weeks we are focusing on the Meyers Briggs Psychological personality assessment. Once we complete that we will focus on love languages and how we best give and receive love. As we continue learning these various things about ourselves we will also be writing our stories in three parts: past, present, and future. I believe the hardest to write will be my future. Not only do I have to write one future life prediction, but three possible outcomes. The end product will be my autobiography in approximately 100 typed pages.

My teacher clearly said that this is meant to be "therapeutic, not therapy". I'm really looking to put 110% into this because I want it to not simply be a class that I am taking, but a journey down a path towards knowing myself better.

Long Day

I had forgotten how exhausted I am by the end of the day when the beginning comes at 5:30 am! (Oh what I have to look forward to over the next many years) That was once again my wake up time this morning as we planned to leave at 6:30 for the Praxis. The starting time wasn't until 7:30 but we figured this allowed us some time to get lost, find parking etc.

We arrived at the testing site about 35 minutes early ( just the way I like it). So we putzed around for a while and then right before the call time this lady told us we weren't allowed to take our bags inside! So back to the car we flew and arrived just as they started lining people up. This flustered me and I quickly became paranoid that I was no longer following all of the testing requirements. They made it very clear that failure to follow one of the rules would receive an immediate punishment of being kicked out of the test, with scores to be cancelled. My paranoia was that my cell phone was in my key case even though I KNEW I had left it in my car. How I wish I could let stuff like that go...

Well regardless... phone was in my car. Away from the mean ETS ladies. I believe the test went well. Well, better than I had expected anyway. Now we get to wait for 4 weeks to learn whether or not we are certified teachers. Don't we just love waiting?

We didn't get home till almost 4 this afternoon, and the past 7 hours or so have been devoted to packing/cleaning/getting ready to leave for SPAIN.

Woah... we are leaving for the airport at 8 in the morning. I'm hoping I have everything we need to embark on this journey! Some extremely important things I have: contacts, cameras, passport, money. I think I'll survive as long as I have those things. I realize the cameras aren't necessary items, but I would hate to not be able to record the trip.

I'm hoping to learn and grow a lot on this trip. We'll see what comes of it.
See you in 10 days Mister blog.

Big 72 Hours Ahead

So I have a huge 72 hours ahead of me and I can't focus AT ALL!

7:00 pm (Today) - meeting with a family about a potential job for the spring
7:30 am (Saturday)- PRAXIS (Teacher Certification Test for any non teachers out there)
1:00 PM (Sunday)- leave for SPAIN

What should I be doing right now?
-packing
-studying
-laundry
-cleaning
-figuring out converters/adapters (this stresses me out btw)

What am I doing?
-Well I spent some time assembling my new flip camera which I am most excited about. And since then I have done nothing. I can't think straight. I get so anxious about things sometimes that it stops me from being productive. My roommate is sitting on the couch reading a book for pleasure just as calm as can be. She is taking the Praxis tomorrow and is also going to Spain with me on Sunday. I need to learn some things from her.

I figured since I wasn't getting anything else productive done that I would jot down some thoughts on here about the upcoming events. The next couple of days really are exciting so I am going to try to view them in that way. If I pass the Praxis then I will be all but ready for a teaching license! I'm going to be a teacher soon... how crazy is that? Then I am leaving on Sunday for 10 days in Spain including stops in Madrid, Seville, Granada and Barcelona.... Just for fun!!

What a good life I have.
I now have 52 minutes until my next scheduled thing of the day... maybe I can get something done?!

Note: One annoying thing that happened today that I most take a second to record... my hairdryer decided to stop working on me!! Clarification, it works, but it only blows cold air. I can tell you from experience that drying your hair with cold air is a pain in the butt because it takes FOREVER. Luckily my roommate woke up and saved me by providing me with her hairdryer.

I am- Mark Shultz

I am the maker of the Heavens
I am the bright and morning star
I am the breath of all Creation
Who always was
And is to come
I am the One who walked on water
I am the One who calmed the seas
I am the miracles and wonders
So come and see
And follow meYou will know

I am the fount of living water
The risen Son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end
I am
I am the spirit deep inside you
I am the word upon your heart
I am the One who even knew you
Before your birth
Before you were

Before the Earth (I am)
The universe (I am)
In every heart (I am)
Oh, where you are (I am)
The Lord of love (I am)
The King of Kings (I am)
The Holy lamb (I am)
Above all things

Yes, I am almighty God your father
The risen son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end

I am


Focusing today on who God is...

Just One More Biscuit...

Last night I couldn't get it out of my head how much I LOVE biscuits and how I have no ability to resist them.

I've been thinking about all the things I have coming up that I would like my body to be in good shape for.... job interviews, swim team, first year of teaching, Lisa's wedding... and the list could go on and on. WHY then do I have no self control to say no to the second biscuit?!

Last night we had biscuits with our dinner and as I am TRYING (and failing might I add) to eat healthily, one biscuit would have been more than enough. However, I couldn't resist that fluffy biscuit sitting on the table plus butter. I just couldn't say no!! I debated in my head for a while but my taste buds won the battle and I reached for the second biscuit. I also couldn't resist another serving of rice plus butter. I know that there shouldn't have been rice AND biscuits on the table in the first place, but I wasn't in control of that. Anyway... I walked away from that table being annoyed that I couldn't say NO to the extra food.

"Just Say No." Wasn't that the slogan we learned through the DARE project in 5th grade? Well it apparently hasn't transfered over into this area of life. I was going to let the whole thing go, because this is a cycle I find myself in daily, yet then I found myself again in a situation with biscuits this morning!

I was meeting my friend Stacy for breakfast at the local favorite breakfast spot. Biscuits are their specialty. I contemplated eggs and toast...which would have been the healthier choice but I couldn't bring myself to do it. "I'm going back to school tomorrow." I justified to myself. I won't have another opportunity to eat here for a while. So one more biscuit was added to my stomach but this time the biscuit was filled with scrambled eggs and cheese.

As I am sitting here analyzing my obsession with biscuits and my inability to say no...My father just said..." How about we go to dinner at your favorite place for dinner. Note that this is the same place I had breakfast and lunch. He then added "We can get some biscuits".

Oh my gosh!! Thank goodness THEY don't serve biscuits for dinner...

Experiences With Death

I guess I need to get it on the record that my sweet puppy Ripley died on the 30th (December). It hit me harder and stronger and deeper than I could have possibly imagined. We left for Tampa and left a hard of hearing but otherwise healthy 11 year old dog behind for a couple of days.

MeMommy, my grandmother, called us and said she thought something wasn't quite right. 24 hours later we found ourselves sitting in the vet's office looking at our dog in a crate and hooked up to an IV. When we were finally allowed to open the cage and pet him he smiled but yet we still knew he was so sick. From the moment we walked into the Vet's office I was crying. I cried because I was scared, I cried because I was fearful, I cried because my sweet puppy was sick.

Within 45 minutes or so of arriving, we made the decision to take Ripley and transport him to the 24 hour emergency clinic down the road. As I stood there and cried the new vet took our dog away from us to run some more tests. I could tell he was reluctant to go, and that alone broke my heart and continued my tears. My brother took me to gate to find a diet coke and magazine to keep me distracted for a little while. Shortly after we returned, we received the news we really weren't hoping for. Ripley had a tumor on his spleen that was bleeding and his stomach was filling with blood. My whole family was in the room and the feeling at that moment wasn't positive.

We were presented with a couple of options... 1. Take him home and wait for him to die. 2. Try to get him healthy enough to get him into surgery... which in the best case scenario would have bought him 8-12 weeks after a painful surgery and recovery. 3. Put him to sleep.

I didn't like any of the options. The option I wanted was for him to not be sick. Not to have death in his near future. The decision was clear to everyone in our family... it was time for Ripley to leave us and go to heaven. We didn't want to watch him get sicker and sicker till he died. We also didn't want to put him through a painful surgery and recovery to simply buy him a few more weeks. 2 or 3 more years? Then our thoughts probably would have been different... but not 2 or 3 more weeks. It would have been selfish of us to put him through that to just enjoy him for a few more weeks when he wasn't even healthy.

The next thing that happened is the image I have in my head that keeps repeating itself over and over again. They brought Ripley in for us to say our goodbyes. When the vet brought him in on the leash he trotted in a little slower than usual but with the same movement of his body and smile on his face. This moment ripped my heart out. How were we about to do something that was going to suck the life out of this puppy? In that moment he seemed so normal. So "Ripley". We tried to get him to sit down but his feet kept slipping out from under him which was just a sure sign of his lack of strength. He ended up laying down in the weirdest position, with both his feet out behind him. It wasn't Ripley's normal laying position which we all found kind of weird. The four of us were on the floor loving on our Dog for the last time as we cried. Ripley on the other hand just smiled as he was surrounded by his people and he was the center of attention.

When the doctor walked back in I just remember not making eye contact with her. I just kept looking at Ripley and rubbing his paw and telling him how much I loved him. All 4 of us decided to stay with him as the vet put him to sleep. I think we each had our own reasons for doing so, but mine was that I wanted the last image he saw to be me, not the doctor. Ripley already had an IV in his paw so he wasn't pained at all when she did it. His head slowly lowered to the door, and she checked his heart. "He's gone now..", she said so calmly.

I wanted out of that room as soon as possible but other lingered behind me. I kissed him on the head and out I went. We said our goodbyes and we drove home to a very different feeling house. I was still crying. My eyes hurt. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My everything hurt. Walking past his food bucket and bowls only punctured my already hurting heart. I felt like every place I went reminded me of him. After sobbing on the phone with my best friend I finally calmed down for the first time in over 3 hours. I walked out of my room to go downstairs and I literally thought..."I'm gonna go cuddle with Rip..." My heart was sad, and whenever I was sad I loved to lay on the floor with Ripley and that was what I was honestly considering doing in that moment until I realized that the reason I was so sad in that moment was that Ripley wasn't there anymore. One again I began crying and luckily my brother was right behind me and held me close to him.

The tears continued all night, and I didn't know how to calm myself down. I tried praying. Didn't calm me down. Nothing did. Around 11:30 I thought I would be exhausted enough to just fall asleep, seeing as that we had left Tampa around 4:00 am. I got in bed and everytime I closed my eyes I saw Ripley. Sleep wasn't in my future. I do remember praying for good dreams and eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up feeling calmer, but feeling as if I had been whacked in the head with a bat and that someone had poured stinging drops in my eyes. Tears came into my eyes a couple of times, but generally speaking I was calmer than the day before. By about 2:00 my roommate drove in from Raleigh to spend New Years Eve with me as I had no desire to do anything but be at home. She was a great distraction for a couple of days. She left yesterday morning and the past 2 days have brought more sad moments.

Who knew that the loss of a dog would bring such grief but let me tell you it has and it is real. I remember when my friend Lisa lost her dog a couple of years ago and she was so sad. Of course I felt sorry for her but I couldn't comprehend what she was feeling. Now I understand. I can't say I am angry with God or confused as to why this happened because I know this is the circle of life... people are born and people die. I guess my question is just why it has to hurt so much.

Missing Ripley is my number one issue through all of this, but if I was completely honest part of me is struggling with the fact that we "put him to sleep". Don't get me wrong I completely agreed with that decision and think it was the best thing, but the concept is just so different than anything we would consider with humans. Should we have just watched him die? Are we wrong for not chosing to allow them to perform surgery? I think deep down in my heart I know we did the right thing for the situation we suddenly found ourselves in. However, it doesn't make it any less painful.

I just spent 45 minutes writing on the death of my Ripley. In 7 minutes the grandfather clock downstairs will strike midnight and the date will change to January 4. January 4, 2009 was the date my GDaddy died. August of 2008 he was diagnosed with brain cancer and after surgery on the 15th wasn't given long to live. He lived much longer than expected and we slowly watched him die. Watching him wasn't fun or easy on anyone. Rather it was quite the opposite. I can't begin to tackle my feelings on his death right now... maybe tomorrow.

12:00 now... I miss you G'Daddy... hug Ripley for me.

Parting thoughts before I take my once again burning eyes and try to sleep: I haven't lost too many people in my life for which I am incredibly thankful, however I know the day will come. If this is how I react when my Dog dies, how am I going to react when one of my parents die? Or my brother? Or a close friend? Will my life crumble? Will I fall apart?

The main people in my life that I have lost are both my grandfathers and my friend Sean. Sean was a part of my larger friend circle but not one of my best friends. He was a friend from high school and he died during the fall of my freshman year at college. I was upset and cried lots during that week and my heart yearned more for those whose hearts were shattered at this event. I think what made me the saddest was not knowing whether or not he was going to heaven.

My Pop died suddenly while I was in London and I wasn't incredibly close to him. He lived in PA and we saw him about once a year... maybe twice if we were lucky. I loved him of course... but he wasn't a huge part of my life growing up. I was also very far removed from the situation as I wasn't home with my family and wasn't able to come back to the states for the funeral.

My G'Daddy died while I was in D.C. but I had months to prepare myself for that as he battled cancer. I remember my roommate, who was actually sharing a room with me during our visit in DC, crawled into my bed and just hugged me as I cried. I left the next day to go to TN for the funeral.

I was very sad and cried when each of these people died, but I just fear for how things will be when one of my "key people" dies. I hope this doesn't sound like I didn't care for or love these people because I absolutely did. Well now I am just rambling. Maybe I can de-tangle more of these thoughts on death tomorrow.


"The God on the mountain, is still God in the valley; when things go wrong, He makes them right; The God in the good times is still God in the bad times; The God of the day, is still God in the night!"

2010- Becoming a grown up!?!

In the year 2010 I will officially become a grown up. I guess some will say I have been a grown up for a couple of years now but I beg to differ. Come August of this year I will financially be independent of my parents! YIKES. Insurance. Rent. Utilities. Cell Phone. Food. EVERYTHING will come from the income I hope to have. At that point I think I can finally call myself a grown up.

There are a few things I need to get in check before becoming a grown up (Not in order of importance):
1. Financial Health
2. Physical Health
3. Emotional Health
4. Spiritual Health


1. Financial Health- I think one of the scariest parts of becoming a grown up is the lack of financial security. What I need to work on throughout the upcoming months is being responsible with my money. I want to begin keeping track of what I spend my money on. Where is it going? Am I making pointless purchases? Or am I spending my money on worthwhile things? How will I do this?
- Keep receipts
- Record debits
- Use Credit card occassionally to build credit and pay it off EVERY month
- Use the spreadsheet from my Dad to help me realize where my money is going
- Give money to the church routinely
2. Physical Health- Well as this is the beginning of my adult life, I figure I should begin making adult decisions to begin building good habits. I don't want to find myself ten years down the line wishing I had made good choices and having to work super hard to get back to the healthy place I want to be. What does this look like for me?
-Going to the gym a couple of times a week (at least 3 times) to stay PHYSICALLY healthy. If I could view the gym as something that is healthy for my body instead of as a weight loss tool then I think I might enjoy it more.
-Making healthy eating choices. Staying away from pointless munching. Keeping a food journal?
-Sleeping enough (but not too much)
-Visiting many doctors visits that I have been putting off. All visits before MAY!
- I feel like I have to add "stop biting nails" but I really don't see that happening seeing as I am biting them currently inbetween typing.
3. Emotional Health- My emotions have always seemed to have way too much control over my life. My life "freak outs" and anxious moments need to significantly decrease in number. I know I spent a good amount of time working on this in counseling in the fall of 2007 but wow that was over 2 years ago now! As I am about to enter a stressful life transition (and change isn't my favorite) I need to have my emotions under as much control as possible! How am I going to do this?
-Possibly going back to counseling? Although I don't really want to since Annmarie moved to Wilmington and I don't want to start over with someone new. Also, I'm not sure anyone will meet my expectations seeing as Annmarie was fabulous. But I really need to get my body image issues and other insecurities under control before entering the adult world.
-Journaling more. Through the good and the bad moments! This really seems to help me and I need to take advantage of it more.
- Simply letting things go and focusing on the important things.
4. Spiritual Health- When things are right with God... all other things seem to fall into place. As so many things in my life are about to change in 2o10, the one thing that won't change is my God and my relationship with Him. Therefore it is my expert opinion to think that I should spend a lot of time focusing on my relationship with Him. Some of my goals?
-Daily Time with him in some shape or form
-Working to be more aware of his presence constantly
-Keeping him in the center of all of my words/thoughts/actions

I don't think I can say these are New Year's Resolutions, because I know these are lofty goals, and I will fail. However I would like to say that these are some things I would like to work towards as this year begins. I simply feel strongly that I have a lot of growing up to do over the next 4 and a half months before graduation.

Dear Lord help me...