Long Day

I had forgotten how exhausted I am by the end of the day when the beginning comes at 5:30 am! (Oh what I have to look forward to over the next many years) That was once again my wake up time this morning as we planned to leave at 6:30 for the Praxis. The starting time wasn't until 7:30 but we figured this allowed us some time to get lost, find parking etc.

We arrived at the testing site about 35 minutes early ( just the way I like it). So we putzed around for a while and then right before the call time this lady told us we weren't allowed to take our bags inside! So back to the car we flew and arrived just as they started lining people up. This flustered me and I quickly became paranoid that I was no longer following all of the testing requirements. They made it very clear that failure to follow one of the rules would receive an immediate punishment of being kicked out of the test, with scores to be cancelled. My paranoia was that my cell phone was in my key case even though I KNEW I had left it in my car. How I wish I could let stuff like that go...

Well regardless... phone was in my car. Away from the mean ETS ladies. I believe the test went well. Well, better than I had expected anyway. Now we get to wait for 4 weeks to learn whether or not we are certified teachers. Don't we just love waiting?

We didn't get home till almost 4 this afternoon, and the past 7 hours or so have been devoted to packing/cleaning/getting ready to leave for SPAIN.

Woah... we are leaving for the airport at 8 in the morning. I'm hoping I have everything we need to embark on this journey! Some extremely important things I have: contacts, cameras, passport, money. I think I'll survive as long as I have those things. I realize the cameras aren't necessary items, but I would hate to not be able to record the trip.

I'm hoping to learn and grow a lot on this trip. We'll see what comes of it.
See you in 10 days Mister blog.

Big 72 Hours Ahead

So I have a huge 72 hours ahead of me and I can't focus AT ALL!

7:00 pm (Today) - meeting with a family about a potential job for the spring
7:30 am (Saturday)- PRAXIS (Teacher Certification Test for any non teachers out there)
1:00 PM (Sunday)- leave for SPAIN

What should I be doing right now?
-packing
-studying
-laundry
-cleaning
-figuring out converters/adapters (this stresses me out btw)

What am I doing?
-Well I spent some time assembling my new flip camera which I am most excited about. And since then I have done nothing. I can't think straight. I get so anxious about things sometimes that it stops me from being productive. My roommate is sitting on the couch reading a book for pleasure just as calm as can be. She is taking the Praxis tomorrow and is also going to Spain with me on Sunday. I need to learn some things from her.

I figured since I wasn't getting anything else productive done that I would jot down some thoughts on here about the upcoming events. The next couple of days really are exciting so I am going to try to view them in that way. If I pass the Praxis then I will be all but ready for a teaching license! I'm going to be a teacher soon... how crazy is that? Then I am leaving on Sunday for 10 days in Spain including stops in Madrid, Seville, Granada and Barcelona.... Just for fun!!

What a good life I have.
I now have 52 minutes until my next scheduled thing of the day... maybe I can get something done?!

Note: One annoying thing that happened today that I most take a second to record... my hairdryer decided to stop working on me!! Clarification, it works, but it only blows cold air. I can tell you from experience that drying your hair with cold air is a pain in the butt because it takes FOREVER. Luckily my roommate woke up and saved me by providing me with her hairdryer.

I am- Mark Shultz

I am the maker of the Heavens
I am the bright and morning star
I am the breath of all Creation
Who always was
And is to come
I am the One who walked on water
I am the One who calmed the seas
I am the miracles and wonders
So come and see
And follow meYou will know

I am the fount of living water
The risen Son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end
I am
I am the spirit deep inside you
I am the word upon your heart
I am the One who even knew you
Before your birth
Before you were

Before the Earth (I am)
The universe (I am)
In every heart (I am)
Oh, where you are (I am)
The Lord of love (I am)
The King of Kings (I am)
The Holy lamb (I am)
Above all things

Yes, I am almighty God your father
The risen son of man
The healer of the broken
And when you cry
I am your savior and redeemer
Who bore the sins of man
The author and perfecter
Beginning and the end

I am


Focusing today on who God is...

Just One More Biscuit...

Last night I couldn't get it out of my head how much I LOVE biscuits and how I have no ability to resist them.

I've been thinking about all the things I have coming up that I would like my body to be in good shape for.... job interviews, swim team, first year of teaching, Lisa's wedding... and the list could go on and on. WHY then do I have no self control to say no to the second biscuit?!

Last night we had biscuits with our dinner and as I am TRYING (and failing might I add) to eat healthily, one biscuit would have been more than enough. However, I couldn't resist that fluffy biscuit sitting on the table plus butter. I just couldn't say no!! I debated in my head for a while but my taste buds won the battle and I reached for the second biscuit. I also couldn't resist another serving of rice plus butter. I know that there shouldn't have been rice AND biscuits on the table in the first place, but I wasn't in control of that. Anyway... I walked away from that table being annoyed that I couldn't say NO to the extra food.

"Just Say No." Wasn't that the slogan we learned through the DARE project in 5th grade? Well it apparently hasn't transfered over into this area of life. I was going to let the whole thing go, because this is a cycle I find myself in daily, yet then I found myself again in a situation with biscuits this morning!

I was meeting my friend Stacy for breakfast at the local favorite breakfast spot. Biscuits are their specialty. I contemplated eggs and toast...which would have been the healthier choice but I couldn't bring myself to do it. "I'm going back to school tomorrow." I justified to myself. I won't have another opportunity to eat here for a while. So one more biscuit was added to my stomach but this time the biscuit was filled with scrambled eggs and cheese.

As I am sitting here analyzing my obsession with biscuits and my inability to say no...My father just said..." How about we go to dinner at your favorite place for dinner. Note that this is the same place I had breakfast and lunch. He then added "We can get some biscuits".

Oh my gosh!! Thank goodness THEY don't serve biscuits for dinner...

Experiences With Death

I guess I need to get it on the record that my sweet puppy Ripley died on the 30th (December). It hit me harder and stronger and deeper than I could have possibly imagined. We left for Tampa and left a hard of hearing but otherwise healthy 11 year old dog behind for a couple of days.

MeMommy, my grandmother, called us and said she thought something wasn't quite right. 24 hours later we found ourselves sitting in the vet's office looking at our dog in a crate and hooked up to an IV. When we were finally allowed to open the cage and pet him he smiled but yet we still knew he was so sick. From the moment we walked into the Vet's office I was crying. I cried because I was scared, I cried because I was fearful, I cried because my sweet puppy was sick.

Within 45 minutes or so of arriving, we made the decision to take Ripley and transport him to the 24 hour emergency clinic down the road. As I stood there and cried the new vet took our dog away from us to run some more tests. I could tell he was reluctant to go, and that alone broke my heart and continued my tears. My brother took me to gate to find a diet coke and magazine to keep me distracted for a little while. Shortly after we returned, we received the news we really weren't hoping for. Ripley had a tumor on his spleen that was bleeding and his stomach was filling with blood. My whole family was in the room and the feeling at that moment wasn't positive.

We were presented with a couple of options... 1. Take him home and wait for him to die. 2. Try to get him healthy enough to get him into surgery... which in the best case scenario would have bought him 8-12 weeks after a painful surgery and recovery. 3. Put him to sleep.

I didn't like any of the options. The option I wanted was for him to not be sick. Not to have death in his near future. The decision was clear to everyone in our family... it was time for Ripley to leave us and go to heaven. We didn't want to watch him get sicker and sicker till he died. We also didn't want to put him through a painful surgery and recovery to simply buy him a few more weeks. 2 or 3 more years? Then our thoughts probably would have been different... but not 2 or 3 more weeks. It would have been selfish of us to put him through that to just enjoy him for a few more weeks when he wasn't even healthy.

The next thing that happened is the image I have in my head that keeps repeating itself over and over again. They brought Ripley in for us to say our goodbyes. When the vet brought him in on the leash he trotted in a little slower than usual but with the same movement of his body and smile on his face. This moment ripped my heart out. How were we about to do something that was going to suck the life out of this puppy? In that moment he seemed so normal. So "Ripley". We tried to get him to sit down but his feet kept slipping out from under him which was just a sure sign of his lack of strength. He ended up laying down in the weirdest position, with both his feet out behind him. It wasn't Ripley's normal laying position which we all found kind of weird. The four of us were on the floor loving on our Dog for the last time as we cried. Ripley on the other hand just smiled as he was surrounded by his people and he was the center of attention.

When the doctor walked back in I just remember not making eye contact with her. I just kept looking at Ripley and rubbing his paw and telling him how much I loved him. All 4 of us decided to stay with him as the vet put him to sleep. I think we each had our own reasons for doing so, but mine was that I wanted the last image he saw to be me, not the doctor. Ripley already had an IV in his paw so he wasn't pained at all when she did it. His head slowly lowered to the door, and she checked his heart. "He's gone now..", she said so calmly.

I wanted out of that room as soon as possible but other lingered behind me. I kissed him on the head and out I went. We said our goodbyes and we drove home to a very different feeling house. I was still crying. My eyes hurt. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My everything hurt. Walking past his food bucket and bowls only punctured my already hurting heart. I felt like every place I went reminded me of him. After sobbing on the phone with my best friend I finally calmed down for the first time in over 3 hours. I walked out of my room to go downstairs and I literally thought..."I'm gonna go cuddle with Rip..." My heart was sad, and whenever I was sad I loved to lay on the floor with Ripley and that was what I was honestly considering doing in that moment until I realized that the reason I was so sad in that moment was that Ripley wasn't there anymore. One again I began crying and luckily my brother was right behind me and held me close to him.

The tears continued all night, and I didn't know how to calm myself down. I tried praying. Didn't calm me down. Nothing did. Around 11:30 I thought I would be exhausted enough to just fall asleep, seeing as that we had left Tampa around 4:00 am. I got in bed and everytime I closed my eyes I saw Ripley. Sleep wasn't in my future. I do remember praying for good dreams and eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up feeling calmer, but feeling as if I had been whacked in the head with a bat and that someone had poured stinging drops in my eyes. Tears came into my eyes a couple of times, but generally speaking I was calmer than the day before. By about 2:00 my roommate drove in from Raleigh to spend New Years Eve with me as I had no desire to do anything but be at home. She was a great distraction for a couple of days. She left yesterday morning and the past 2 days have brought more sad moments.

Who knew that the loss of a dog would bring such grief but let me tell you it has and it is real. I remember when my friend Lisa lost her dog a couple of years ago and she was so sad. Of course I felt sorry for her but I couldn't comprehend what she was feeling. Now I understand. I can't say I am angry with God or confused as to why this happened because I know this is the circle of life... people are born and people die. I guess my question is just why it has to hurt so much.

Missing Ripley is my number one issue through all of this, but if I was completely honest part of me is struggling with the fact that we "put him to sleep". Don't get me wrong I completely agreed with that decision and think it was the best thing, but the concept is just so different than anything we would consider with humans. Should we have just watched him die? Are we wrong for not chosing to allow them to perform surgery? I think deep down in my heart I know we did the right thing for the situation we suddenly found ourselves in. However, it doesn't make it any less painful.

I just spent 45 minutes writing on the death of my Ripley. In 7 minutes the grandfather clock downstairs will strike midnight and the date will change to January 4. January 4, 2009 was the date my GDaddy died. August of 2008 he was diagnosed with brain cancer and after surgery on the 15th wasn't given long to live. He lived much longer than expected and we slowly watched him die. Watching him wasn't fun or easy on anyone. Rather it was quite the opposite. I can't begin to tackle my feelings on his death right now... maybe tomorrow.

12:00 now... I miss you G'Daddy... hug Ripley for me.

Parting thoughts before I take my once again burning eyes and try to sleep: I haven't lost too many people in my life for which I am incredibly thankful, however I know the day will come. If this is how I react when my Dog dies, how am I going to react when one of my parents die? Or my brother? Or a close friend? Will my life crumble? Will I fall apart?

The main people in my life that I have lost are both my grandfathers and my friend Sean. Sean was a part of my larger friend circle but not one of my best friends. He was a friend from high school and he died during the fall of my freshman year at college. I was upset and cried lots during that week and my heart yearned more for those whose hearts were shattered at this event. I think what made me the saddest was not knowing whether or not he was going to heaven.

My Pop died suddenly while I was in London and I wasn't incredibly close to him. He lived in PA and we saw him about once a year... maybe twice if we were lucky. I loved him of course... but he wasn't a huge part of my life growing up. I was also very far removed from the situation as I wasn't home with my family and wasn't able to come back to the states for the funeral.

My G'Daddy died while I was in D.C. but I had months to prepare myself for that as he battled cancer. I remember my roommate, who was actually sharing a room with me during our visit in DC, crawled into my bed and just hugged me as I cried. I left the next day to go to TN for the funeral.

I was very sad and cried when each of these people died, but I just fear for how things will be when one of my "key people" dies. I hope this doesn't sound like I didn't care for or love these people because I absolutely did. Well now I am just rambling. Maybe I can de-tangle more of these thoughts on death tomorrow.


"The God on the mountain, is still God in the valley; when things go wrong, He makes them right; The God in the good times is still God in the bad times; The God of the day, is still God in the night!"

2010- Becoming a grown up!?!

In the year 2010 I will officially become a grown up. I guess some will say I have been a grown up for a couple of years now but I beg to differ. Come August of this year I will financially be independent of my parents! YIKES. Insurance. Rent. Utilities. Cell Phone. Food. EVERYTHING will come from the income I hope to have. At that point I think I can finally call myself a grown up.

There are a few things I need to get in check before becoming a grown up (Not in order of importance):
1. Financial Health
2. Physical Health
3. Emotional Health
4. Spiritual Health


1. Financial Health- I think one of the scariest parts of becoming a grown up is the lack of financial security. What I need to work on throughout the upcoming months is being responsible with my money. I want to begin keeping track of what I spend my money on. Where is it going? Am I making pointless purchases? Or am I spending my money on worthwhile things? How will I do this?
- Keep receipts
- Record debits
- Use Credit card occassionally to build credit and pay it off EVERY month
- Use the spreadsheet from my Dad to help me realize where my money is going
- Give money to the church routinely
2. Physical Health- Well as this is the beginning of my adult life, I figure I should begin making adult decisions to begin building good habits. I don't want to find myself ten years down the line wishing I had made good choices and having to work super hard to get back to the healthy place I want to be. What does this look like for me?
-Going to the gym a couple of times a week (at least 3 times) to stay PHYSICALLY healthy. If I could view the gym as something that is healthy for my body instead of as a weight loss tool then I think I might enjoy it more.
-Making healthy eating choices. Staying away from pointless munching. Keeping a food journal?
-Sleeping enough (but not too much)
-Visiting many doctors visits that I have been putting off. All visits before MAY!
- I feel like I have to add "stop biting nails" but I really don't see that happening seeing as I am biting them currently inbetween typing.
3. Emotional Health- My emotions have always seemed to have way too much control over my life. My life "freak outs" and anxious moments need to significantly decrease in number. I know I spent a good amount of time working on this in counseling in the fall of 2007 but wow that was over 2 years ago now! As I am about to enter a stressful life transition (and change isn't my favorite) I need to have my emotions under as much control as possible! How am I going to do this?
-Possibly going back to counseling? Although I don't really want to since Annmarie moved to Wilmington and I don't want to start over with someone new. Also, I'm not sure anyone will meet my expectations seeing as Annmarie was fabulous. But I really need to get my body image issues and other insecurities under control before entering the adult world.
-Journaling more. Through the good and the bad moments! This really seems to help me and I need to take advantage of it more.
- Simply letting things go and focusing on the important things.
4. Spiritual Health- When things are right with God... all other things seem to fall into place. As so many things in my life are about to change in 2o10, the one thing that won't change is my God and my relationship with Him. Therefore it is my expert opinion to think that I should spend a lot of time focusing on my relationship with Him. Some of my goals?
-Daily Time with him in some shape or form
-Working to be more aware of his presence constantly
-Keeping him in the center of all of my words/thoughts/actions

I don't think I can say these are New Year's Resolutions, because I know these are lofty goals, and I will fail. However I would like to say that these are some things I would like to work towards as this year begins. I simply feel strongly that I have a lot of growing up to do over the next 4 and a half months before graduation.

Dear Lord help me...