Relationship talk is one of my least favorite parts about family functions. Being the single almost 22 year old, I feel like it is a constant topic of conversation. Upon recent events in my brother's romantic life I feel as if it has been even more prevalent in conversation than usual.
These conversations always bring up my deepest insecurities as I have been single for most of my life. I've only ever had one true boyfriend, and I'm not even sure that relationship really counted.
As I was sitting around the kitchen table with my Mom and Grandmother I asked to look at my Grandmother's ring. I was initially intrigued by it as I wondered what widows were supposed to do with their wedding rings. In her book I guess she has chosen to leave it on, but I just didn't know if that was normal. Anyway, I had her take it off so I could try it on. It didn't fit me, so then I turned to my Mom and asked to look at hers. Hers thankfully fit my finger, and I no longer felt like I had the biggest fingers in the world. True confession...I wore that ring for the rest of the evening.
Reader if I'm completely honest I even still have it on now. For a while I honestly just forgot it was there, but ever since I remembered it I haven't been able to get it off my mind! Something about the diamond has made me go batty on the inside. Let me give you a little insight has to why...The life I long for looks as follows:
Teach for a few years. Get married. Enjoy married life and teach a few more years. Have children. Be a swim mom. Or a soccer mom. Be a stay at home Mom. I want to have a family to love and grow and be proud of. I want a husband to love me. I want to have a husband who I love dearly. I want to have that person in my life who is "my person".
All of those things won't happen until I have that darn ring on my finger. No husband, no kids, no little (or big) family. So I guess in my mind a ring like this one holds a lot of power. As Lisa and Austin are about go get married.. As Dave and Carolyn are about to get married.. As Drea and Tim are about to get married.. I can't seem to get this topic off my mind.
I've prayed for years that God would at least give me a glimpse of this kind of romantic relationship so that I could see there was hope for me, but he has yet to do so. I'm discouraged. I feel like things in my life are really all coming together except for that one area. I have a great apartment. I have a job I think I am really going to like, and I have great friends and family that I am thankful for. The only thing I'm "missing" is this romantic relationship. It sounds so stupid, but I've longed for a boyfriend for so long and most of the time I'm okay with it. But then there are evenings, or days like today when I really just long for that relationship.
I keep secretly hoping that I'm going to move in August, meet a guy, know instantly that I will marry him and badda bing badda boom have myself the man of my dreams. But that is exactly what that is.. a dream.
So for now, I'm going to go and chat with God about granting my desires or at least changing them to crave singleness.
But first, I'm going to give my Mom her wedding ring back.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Storms
God taught me some things as I was driving through the WORST thunderstorm the other night.
1. When in the middle of a storm, you have to focus less on the end result, and more on what is right in front of you. You have to take things one step, or one white dash mark, at a time. When you take your eyes off of the very next dash mark things become blurry and scarier.
2.To successfully and safely make it through the storm you need to eliminate the unnecessary distractions (loud music, cell phones, etc) and focus on what is really important. During the storms of life we can easily be distracted by so many things and fail to focus on God.
3. During storms we can't forget that other people are struggling too, and some may be even struggling more than we are (ie the people wrecked in the middle of the road)
4. Making it through the storm and being back to safety is a wonderfully comforting feeling. There IS a promise of the end to the storm. For me it was arriving at my house after a two hour drive down 40. But eternally it is going to heaven. There will be a day when there will be no more storms and we will be with Jesus. Life there will be without storms as we are in perfect union with God. If that doesn't make you long for heaven then I don't know what does :)
1. When in the middle of a storm, you have to focus less on the end result, and more on what is right in front of you. You have to take things one step, or one white dash mark, at a time. When you take your eyes off of the very next dash mark things become blurry and scarier.
2.To successfully and safely make it through the storm you need to eliminate the unnecessary distractions (loud music, cell phones, etc) and focus on what is really important. During the storms of life we can easily be distracted by so many things and fail to focus on God.
3. During storms we can't forget that other people are struggling too, and some may be even struggling more than we are (ie the people wrecked in the middle of the road)
4. Making it through the storm and being back to safety is a wonderfully comforting feeling. There IS a promise of the end to the storm. For me it was arriving at my house after a two hour drive down 40. But eternally it is going to heaven. There will be a day when there will be no more storms and we will be with Jesus. Life there will be without storms as we are in perfect union with God. If that doesn't make you long for heaven then I don't know what does :)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Stuck in the Middle
I think most people alive and aware of their surroundings during the Brittany Spears era probably knows the song "Not a Girl" The words go something like, "I'm not a girl not yet a woman."
Lately I've felt a little off as I don't feel like there is a place where I really "fit". I'm in that in between land. I'm not a teenager, not a college student, not an adult. Well I guess technically I am an adult but I don't feel like one. I'm too old to truly fit in with the people who I work with, too young to fully mesh with the "grownups". When I see people that I think are my age though I don't really know if I fit there either. Most people my age have boyfriends. Most people my age love going out to bars at nights. I would rather stay home. As I go to JP Looneys every Tuesday night I always see people who I assume are around my age and I desire nothing of that lifestyle. I am so happy basking in the fact that I am going inside to eat my chicken fingers and chips with lots of kids and families that brighten my life. Those evenings also remind me of my deep longing for kids and a family of my own one day, which then reminds me of my singleness which reminds me of my insecurities of being single forever. That's a whole other can of worms. Back to this "in between stuff"
Pause. Basically this whole post is dealing with me not feeling as if I fit in with anyone and my confusion as to who and where I am in life right now. I think these fears are probably deeply seeded in the fact that I am moving in one month from tomorrow to a new city with people I don't know. I'm worried about finding friends, and fitting into a community like I had at school. HOWEVER, as I was sitting here typing all this out my little blackberry dinged, and being the addict that I am I immediately reached over to grab it. The email was from a girl who teaches 1st grade at my school who lives in my apartment complex. This is only her second year teaching, and she is currently on a mission trip to Honduras. Does this or does this not sound like someone who I could maybe be friends with in my new world??
I then received a text from one of my co-workers and an IM from another one.. but showing that I have real friendships with them. So what I'm not a teenager anymore but I can still be friends with them!
Lastly, I get a text and then have a 20 minute phone call with a "grownup" friend that was completely comfortable and enjoyable. So maybe I am an adult...?
So as I was starting to sit here in this rut of the "in between", God was throwing it in my face that there is nothing wrong with where I am. I have wonderful people and friends in my life right now. They may look different than they have over the past 4 years but so what!? I need to embrace the gifts and the people that I have. My God is for me... not against me. Everything will be fine.
Lately I've felt a little off as I don't feel like there is a place where I really "fit". I'm in that in between land. I'm not a teenager, not a college student, not an adult. Well I guess technically I am an adult but I don't feel like one. I'm too old to truly fit in with the people who I work with, too young to fully mesh with the "grownups". When I see people that I think are my age though I don't really know if I fit there either. Most people my age have boyfriends. Most people my age love going out to bars at nights. I would rather stay home. As I go to JP Looneys every Tuesday night I always see people who I assume are around my age and I desire nothing of that lifestyle. I am so happy basking in the fact that I am going inside to eat my chicken fingers and chips with lots of kids and families that brighten my life. Those evenings also remind me of my deep longing for kids and a family of my own one day, which then reminds me of my singleness which reminds me of my insecurities of being single forever. That's a whole other can of worms. Back to this "in between stuff"
Pause. Basically this whole post is dealing with me not feeling as if I fit in with anyone and my confusion as to who and where I am in life right now. I think these fears are probably deeply seeded in the fact that I am moving in one month from tomorrow to a new city with people I don't know. I'm worried about finding friends, and fitting into a community like I had at school. HOWEVER, as I was sitting here typing all this out my little blackberry dinged, and being the addict that I am I immediately reached over to grab it. The email was from a girl who teaches 1st grade at my school who lives in my apartment complex. This is only her second year teaching, and she is currently on a mission trip to Honduras. Does this or does this not sound like someone who I could maybe be friends with in my new world??
I then received a text from one of my co-workers and an IM from another one.. but showing that I have real friendships with them. So what I'm not a teenager anymore but I can still be friends with them!
Lastly, I get a text and then have a 20 minute phone call with a "grownup" friend that was completely comfortable and enjoyable. So maybe I am an adult...?
So as I was starting to sit here in this rut of the "in between", God was throwing it in my face that there is nothing wrong with where I am. I have wonderful people and friends in my life right now. They may look different than they have over the past 4 years but so what!? I need to embrace the gifts and the people that I have. My God is for me... not against me. Everything will be fine.
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