Friends.

"Even though we're all changing and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point were we're not all still friends."

I'm feeling blessed to say I have some people in my life that this quote is applicable to. Things in my world are changing right now in big ways. 52 days from now I will be graduating from college. There I said it. The "G" word. GRADUATING. Ready or not here it comes. BUT, there are some things that amidst all the change will remain constant. Those things are my friends. Not my surface level friends or acquaintances, but my deep, honest friendships.

At the end of an evening full of tears of fear of the future... i'm stopping to be thankful for the blessings I have in each of these dear friends.

Hard Things

The past 24 hours have brought me to asking God many questions.

Why do young people die?
Why do children suffer from cancer?


The list goes on and on. My friend Beth's brother died in a motorcycle accident last night and my heart is hurting so much for her and her family right now. I never met Daniel, but I can only imagine the pain that the family is experiencing. I'm lucky to know that even though we walk through the shadow of death... it is just that... a shadow. I can't imagine ever going through something like this without my Jesus by my side. I hope this family has that comfort to rely on during such a trying time.

Also, I read a blog about a little girl in HP named Kate who has cancer. It has been a rough ride for this sweet little one and tomorrow she is having a bone aspiration (I believe those are the right words) to find out if this new expiramental drug is doing anything at all. This is really her last option, and I am begging God to let it work. Seeing sick children also makes my heart hurt. To see them experience so much pain and agony at such a young age is heartbreaking.

This is only a glimpse into the pain of two random people. I could sit here and list out to you the pain in each and every one of my friend's lives. What hurts their hearts and their souls. I could list you the things that cause me pain.

Why is there so much pain and suffering in this world? Is it because God wants to bring us closer to him? Is it because we live in an imperfect world and the only perfect place is heaven? Someone posed this question to me yesterday: "What is the point of being on Earth? If we're never meant to be fully satisfied here.. and true happiness is waiting for us in Heaven... then what is the point here?"

I responded with the point here is to experience as much of God's goodness during our time here. I'm not sure if I said this or not but our time is also to bring the good news of Christ to others... so they can experience it as well.

So if the point of this life is to live just to be with God... then we should be happy when people die? But we aren't. We're sad. We're sad when people are dieing. Also... what about the people who we aren't sure whether or not they ever asked God in their lives? What about them?

I'm confused.

All I can do in this moment is pray. I'm begging God to hold Beth's family. I'm begging God to let Kate's test go well tomorrow and bring positive news. I'm begging God to help me sort through my questions and bring me closer to him.

Interviews

Today I had my first five interviews of the job search process. Fortunately for my anxiety level I have had other things to "stress" about over the past week and was unable to fully comprehend the stressfulness today would bring.

The past 24 hours have been a rollercoaster of emotion. Let's start with yesterday afternoon.

2:00 My fine arts class got out over an hour early. A group of us decided to celebrate St. Patricks Day Mexican style. (Happy)

2:30 We headed to Monterreys for Chips and Cheese Dip and Margaritas. Knowing there would be no evening celebration of any kind, we decided we deserved a relaxing afternoon before we truly started stressing about the interviews before us. (Peace)

6:30- Went to drugstore to pick up my prescription which they informed me they would not fill because my insurance wouldn't approve it without prior approval or something. This resulted in a complete mental meltdown. This was my first emotional meltdown in over a month, so it was releasing lots of emotions and this was simply the breaking point. (Anger, Sadness, Fear, Uncertainty)

7:30- Sat in car with roommate outside of restaurant trying to calm down enough to enter. Bless her soul. (Worry)

9:00- Went to the Library to print 39 page life story paper on birth through high school. (Relief)

11:00- Home from library (got distracted at the library for a while... and it really wasn't two hours... so not sure what time is off here)(Panic)

11:15- Prayed with Brandy about all things life: interviews, sickness, unemployment, papers, fear, and the list continues. It was intense. (Peace)

12:10- Natty came home from the library and we chatted about interviews!! EEK (Nervous excitement)

7:20 am- I begin hearing my roommates alarm going off in the other room... that's how lightly I was sleeping (Subtle Stress)

7:30 am- My alarm went off and I woke up in sheer panic mode. (Complete panic)

8:45- Walked out the door for interviews (anticipation)

9-10 Open job fair (Uncomfortable)

10-12 Scheduled Interviews (Excitement/Nervousness)

12-1 Lunch (rushed)

1-1:30 Final Interview (Respected)

1:30- Teacher Fair Over!! (RELIEF)

Phew...

The rest of today has been spent around here getting things ready to leave for spring break tomorrow!!! (Bahamas Baby)

As I reflect on today, I'm proud of myself for the way things went. I got discouraged at one point, but I know I did the best I knew how. I sat up straight, I made eye contact, I tried to speak intelligently. I did my best to seem genuine and interested. I walked up to people at the open fair and introduced myself even though it felt uncomfortable. I received some feedback from various people that was encouraging, and I left the experience feeling good about myself and my future.

For a first job interviewing experience I don't believe it could have been any better. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity. It would be amazing if this resulted in a job, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that will happen at this point.

Well this entry really serves no purpose other than to simply document today. Kind of a big day in my world.

Well I'm exhausted and the dog across the street is howling, which is my sign that it's time to get some shut eye.

Identity

A beautiful young lady spoke at InterVarsity tonight. I've known Sarah for almost three years now, and I was excited to hear her speak her heart to our chapter. She began her talk by having us introduce ourselves to the person sitting beside us. She recognized that more than likely we knew the people we were sitting with, but the point was to see what types of things we introduced ourselves with.

Below is my introduction to you... the reader.

"Hi my name is Laura, I'm a senior elementary education major from North Carolina. I love musicals and coaching swimming. I'm known for being overly busy, even though this fact has majorly changed this semester. I'm in a sorority, and served on the exec board my junior year. I was an orientation leader and spent the next year working for New Student Orientation Head Staff. I studied abroad for a semester in London England, and traveled all over Europe. Since then I've been to Mexico and Spain for vacation with one of my roommates. I will soon be leaving for my first ever cruise and my first trip to the Bahamas. I have a wonderful family and a great group of friends from high school and from college."

Those kinds of things might come up in an introductory conversation with someone. This in turn would be sort of my identity statement to them. All of those things answer the question, 'who am I?' Notice however, God is never mentioned. Wouldn't it be cool to introduce myself as Laura, a daughter of Christ? This should be my identity... yet we place our identities on anything other than Him. Over the years I have tried to find my identity in a number of those things.

I have tried to find my identity in:
My Major
Swimmimng
My Image
Head Staff
InterVarsity
Friends
Familiy
Experiences
Being liked
My Looks
Boyfriends (or lack there of)
Success
Involvement
Busyness


I'm asking God to search my heart and show me where I am placing my identity. The pastor at one of the churches I attend says that sin is placing your identity in anything other than God. I do that ALL. THE. TIME.

When I look in a mirror, or when someone looks at me, I don't want them to see those things first. I don't want my first thoughts about myself or their first thoughts about me to be that I'm an education major, or an involved person, or someone with great friends.

I want my identity to be defined by God. When I look in a mirror, I want to see God. I want others to see Christ in me. I want Him to be my identity.


"Mirror I am seeing a new reflection. I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me. And to him I have beauty compare. I know He defines me."- Barlow Girl

(Dis)appointment

Excerpts from "Traveling Light" By Max Lucado (One of my favorite books)

"Most of us like appointments. Even the organizationally inepts like appointments. Appointments create a sense of predictability in an unpredictable world. Down deep we know we control the future as much as a caboose controls the train, yet our Day-Timers give us the illusion that we do. A disappointment reminds us that we don't. A disappointment is a missed appointment. What we hoped would happen, didn't."

Lucado talks about how we can let the wounds from our disappointments consume our life or we can follow the example of the apostle Paul.

"His goal was to be a missionary in Spain. Rather than send Paul to Spain, howeveer, God sent him to prison. Sitting in a Roman jail, Paul could have made the same choice as Miss Haversham(Great Expectations), but he didn't. Instead he said, "As long as I'm here, I might as well write a few letters." Hence your bible has the Epistles to Philemon, the Philippians, the Colossians, and the Ephesians. No doubt Paul would have done a great work in Spain. But would it have compared with the work of those four letters?"

We all face disappointment in our lives, and it's painful.

"How did you handle it? Better asked, how are you handling it? Could you use some help? I've got just what you need. Six words in the fifth verse of the Twenty-third Psalm: "You anoint my head with oil."

Clearly the question is what does oil have to do with disappointment. Lucado goes on to explain that in ancient Israel shepherds used oil for three purposes: to repel insects, to prevent conflicts, and to heal wounds. Bugs bug people, but they can kill sheep. The annoy and pester sheep to no end. They can drive them so intensely crazy that the sheep will beat their heads against trees, and may even kill themselves when they get too frenzied. The oil also keeps them from head butting each other, and then repairs any wounds they receive.

"Just like sheep we have wounds, but ours are wounds of the heart that come from disappointment after disappointment. If we're not careful, these wounds lead to bitterness. And so just like sheep, we need to be treated."

"So we, like the sheep, get wounded. And we, like the sheep, have a shepherd. Remember the words read? "We belong to him; we are his people, the sheep he tends. (Ps 100:3) He will do for you what the shepherd does for the sheep. He will tend to you."

"Jesus tends to his sheep. And he will tend to you. If you will let him. How? How do you let him? The steps are so simple. First, go to him. David would trust his wounds to no other person but God. He said, "YOU anoint my head with oil." Not, "your prophets," "your teachers," or "your counselors." Others may guide us to God. Others may help us to understand God. But no one does the work of God, for only God can heal. God "heals the brokenhearted."(Ps. 147.3)"

"Have you taken your disappointments to God? You've shared them with your neighbor, your relatives, your friends. But have you taken them to God? James says, "Anyone who is having troubles shoudl pray" (James 5:13)"

"Before you go anywhere else with your disappointments, go to God."

"Your first step is to go to the right person. Go to God. Your second step is to assume the right posture. Bow before God. In order to be anointed, the sheep must stand still, lower their heads, and let the shepher do his work. Peter urges us to be "humble under God's powerful hand so he will lift you up when the right time comes" (1 Pet 5:6)"

"When we come to God, we make requests; we don't make demands. We come with high hopes and a humble heart. We state what we want, but we pray for what is right. And if God gives us the prison of Rome instead of the mission of Spain, we accept it because we know "God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them (Luke 18:7)"

"We go to him. We bow before him, and we trust in him."

"The sheep doesn't understand why the oil repels the flies. The sheep doesn't understand how the oil heals the wounds. In fact, all the sheep knows is that something happens in the presence of the shepherd. And that's all we need to know as well. "Lord, I give myself to you; my God, I trust you." (Ps. 25:1-2)"

"Go."

"Bow."

"Trust."

"Worth a try, don't you think?"

On... Fear

The other day while driving home from the grocery store my good friend and I struck up a conversation about fear. I would have to say that fear is not a word talked about often in everyday situations. Fear is personal, fear is scary, and fear isn't particularly easy to think about much less discuss with another person.

Let me be the first to tell you I fear a lot of things in life. Do these fears control me or dictate my actions? No... but they are real none the less. Some of my fears are ridiculous, while others are more deeply seeded and valid in my opinion.

Here is an example of something ridiculous that i'm "scared" of: I hate sticky things like tape, bandaids, stickers, etc on my body. I wouldn't say that I'm truly scared of them but my friends always grew up saying, "Laura is scared of sticky things." After writing about that it sounds ridiculous, so let's move on.

If I'm completely honest with myself and with you the reader, I'm scared of bigger things such as being alone forever, and death. I fear never finding someone to spend my life with. I fear loneliness.

Death is a fear because I'm scared of missing out on life, or missing sharing it with someone. Furthermore I'm scared of what life after death is like. I'm a Christian so I know what I believe about life after death, but no one really knows what it is like. The control freak in me fears the unknown.

As I sit on the edge of a major life change with major unknowns in my future, you can guess the level of fear and anxiety I might be feeling. Don't get me wrong... I'm excited, yet fear always lingers.

Pick a story... and tell it!

Yesterday wasn't my favorite day ever. Nothing bad really happened, and nothing really went wrong, yet I was simply in an awful mood. I was snapping at my roommates, my parents and ultimately anyone I interacted with. Aren't you sad you missed it reader?

Well around 2:30 I was sitting in my fine arts class which is never my favorite anyway, when I received an email on my phone from my mother. She informed me that my 16 year old brother would be in Elon that evening for the basketball game. Normally this type of news would have overjoyed me, but based on my track record for the day thus far I was less than pleased.

I rather quickly sent my brother a snappy text message asking why he hadn't previously told me he was coming. If I had known, I would have arranged my schedule in such a way that I could have gone to the game too! After a few snippy responses back and forth I finally calmed down and we agreed to catch up with each other later.

Around 7:45 that evening I stopped by the game to say hello to him on my way to the gym. As soon as I saw him I forgot about my frustrations and was simply happy to see him. His friends and I enjoyed some time together at the game and then some time at my house afterwards. It was amazing how a little quality time with one of my favorite people could truly warm my heart.

ESFJ

After a couple of weeks of reading, contemplation, and discussions, I firmly believe that I am an ESFJ according to the Meyers Brigg Scale. I am an energetic, sensing, feeling, and judging person. When reading an article called “Portrait of an ESFJ” I honestly felt as if the authors were writing the paper about me personally. ESFJs are known as the caregivers. They love to nurture and take care of others. This implies that ESFJs focus most of their energy externally and on other people. As a part of this, ESFJs are very good at reading others. They really pay attention to other people’s feelings and reactions. They are generally warm, caring, sympathetic, and enthusiastic people. They are also very good at seeing a need, and taking care of it before many would even realize there was a need in the first place. ESFJs are very good with traditional rules, laws, and plans. They struggle when forced to think critically, abstractly, or outside of the box.

The descriptions thus far generally make ESFJs look like pretty solid people. However, they have many down falls. First, ESFJs have a strong desire to be liked by others. This implies that they will change their mannerisms depending on who they are around at that time. They look for this approval from others in order to feel good about themselves. Along the same lines, ESFJs are huge people pleasers. At times they will go too far in order to make others happy. When they are not successful at pleasing people and others are upset with them, they are easily wounded and wear their emotions on their sleeves. Also, ESFJs have a strong desire to be in control. This really becomes challenging when they attempt to control people who don’t want to be controlled!

I could write stories for days that portray the strengths and weaknesses of my ESFJ personality. However for the sake of time, and space, I am just going to tell a few. One night during my sophomore year of school I have a vivid memory of a situation where my ESFJ personality was very clear. That evening three friends and I had been asked by three older girls to live in their house for the following two years. The four of us were beyond excited and honored to be living in this house they called Tennis House. In the moment I was thrilled to say yes to these girls because I knew it was what they wanted, and deep down it was what I wanted too. However, there was a little issue that would be waiting for me when I arrived back to Sloan 322.

One of our other dear friends, and my roommate from the year prior was going to be heartbroken when she heard this news. I knew that she wanted to live with us, but there simply wasn’t room for her in our house. I had major doubts about accepting this offer simply because I knew she would be crushed. Yet I had many other people in my life, clearly not ESFJs, who were telling me that I had to make this decision for myself and not for her. The people pleaser in me wanted no part in breaking this news to her. However, being her closest friend, I knew it was my duty to tell her. Unfortunately, for fear of her reaction, I ended up breaking the news to her casually online. I knew her feelings would be crushed and that her reaction would be negative. Once I realized that my decision to break this news to her via the computer had been an awful one, I quickly scurried down to her room. She clearly wanted no parts in talking to me, and I felt like the scum of the Earth. Her current roommate told me that she was hysterical and didn’t want to talk to me. Knowing that I had upset her so much sent my emotions over the edge. It left me upset in the middle of the night, and I took a walk with my friend Jeremy to talk out my thoughts and emotions. The entire situation from start to finish caused me stress and anxiety because I was so overly concerned with the emotions and feelings of others.

ESFJs quickly see what needs to be done, and act quickly to take care of it. One time when I have strong memories about this was when I was on a retreat with New Student Orientation Head Staff. The 16 of us piled into two, white, university owned vans, and headed to a beautiful house in Seven Lakes. Once arriving there, we were going to be cooking every meal for the duration of the weekend. At the completion of every meal, I would automatically notice that the dishes were starting to pile up and that the kitchen was a mess. I would quickly delve into the pile of dishes, and start cleaning up. I saw the need, and quickly took initiative to take care of it. Others in my group wouldn’t even notice the dishes, until me and the other young lady, who must also be an ESFJ, were almost done with them. This isn’t much of a story, but simply a brief glimpse into the way things often work in my world. I am quick to see needs, and take action.

The next story revolves around my friend who for the sake of this story we will call Alex. Alex was extremely sick and couldn’t stop throwing up. The other girls who were living in her suite literally left her to fend for herself in the midst of her sickness. As soon as I got news of her illness I immediately made a phone call to see what she needed. She needed some Ginger Ale and some saltines. Therefore I quickly headed to the grocery store and arrived at her dorm as soon as possible. Not only did I bring her the things she needed, but I stayed in her room by her side trying to do whatever I could do to be helpful in her time of need. More than anything she just wanted someone to talk to, yet no one would come within 10 feet of her for fear of getting sick. I spent a while that afternoon just sitting in her room keeping her company. I loved being able to nurture her and take care of her in the same ways I would want to be taken care of in similar situations.

The next story revolves around my need for control, as most ESFJs have. Fall of sophomore year I was in desperate need for a job. I was about to be leaving for a semester abroad and knew that extra income would be desirable. Relatively quickly I found a job babysitting for two angelic looking little girls with golden blonde hair. I was soon to realize that they weren’t as angelic as I first thought. The girls were two and four years of age. The four year old and I literally battled with each other every day. The control freak in me needed to feel in control of the situations and of her at all times. The problem here lied within the fact that the four year old also desired to be in control at all times. The two of us continually battled for control day after day after day. Many a day ended with one of the two of us in tears. I’m telling you… it was bad. It was honestly one of the most exhausting jobs I had ever had. Probably the biggest problem was that I didn’t see our issues as battles for control, but rather as poor behavior from the kid. Thankfully one day, while having a conversation with a trusted adult, she pointed something out to me. She said, “Laura, you are simply battling for control with a four year old. Don’t you know who really has the control in these situations?” She reminded me that I was the grown-up and therefore automatically in control. She suggested that I really think about this next time I interacted with her and not allow myself to verbally fight with a four year old. After months of awful fighting, I changed my way of thinking and our relationship grew and improved by leaps and bounds.

Hopefully all of these stories give you a quick glimpse into my life as an ESFJ. Are you convinced?

Love.

"I want to pour myself fully into the ones I love."

What does it look like?
Who do I truly love?
How do I do this?

Blog world I'm going to think on this and get back to you...

Peace

I was reading in my bible study this morning about the fruits of the spirit and how God takes a significant amount of time to grow these traits in each of us.

Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-Control

How evident are the fruits of the spirit in my life these days? I'm not too sure... The one I have definitely been struggling with the most is peace. I haven't truly felt peaceful or at rest for probably upwards of two weeks. Not being peaceful is exhausting. Constant worry. Never being fully content. This means you aren't joyful. You aren't good at loving others. You aren't as kind and DEFINITELY not as patient. You aren't nearly as gentle with yourself or others and have little to no self control.

Sounds like this lack of peace in my life is severly affecting many other areas. I was reading about how it takes a lot of time for God to build these character traits in us and that there is never a quick fix.

"Many people go to a counselor with a personal or relational probelem that took years to develop and say "I need you to fix me. I've got an hour." They naively expect a quick solution to a long standing, dep rooted difficulty. Since most of our problems- and all of our bad habits- didn't develop overnight, it's unrealistic to expect them to go away immediately. There is no pill, prayer, or principle that will instantly undo the damage of many years. It requires the hard work or removal and replacement."

I am at fault of all the things listed above. I've been wanting a quick fix to my anxiety issues. A statement, a pill, a change of heart, anything really. I want God to heal my heart miraculously so that I wake up tomorrow feeling peaceful. Yet that isn't how He works. In all honesty I've never really been a calm or peaceful person. Why? Where did I learn to be this way? What is setting me off so strongly right now?

The future? Possibly. Even writing the word future my chest has tightened and my breathing has become more laborious. What confuses me about the whole situation though is how I really do feel some sort of excitement about the future. I'm excited to see: Where I'm going to move. Where and what I'm going to teach. Who I'm going to meet. Who my husband will be. Exciting things! I have the beginning of the rest of my life ahead of me. So why the panic? Why the anxiety?

Why the anxiety in the midst of lingerie showers for good friends, and movie nights with the roommates? Why the anxiety when eating at my favorite restaurant of all time with some of my favorite people? It doesn't make any sense to me and it makes me angry. The external events of my life seem to be so great! So why the internal war?

There seems to be an absence of fruit from my life lately and oh how I desire for it to return. The only physical fruit I have consumed lately was the banana in my peanut butter banana shake from cookout that I finished off this morning. And that is more than I can say about the presence of spiritual fruit in my life

God I'm ready to begin whatever growing process you want to send me throuh in order to learn about being more peaceful and less anxious. Can we start now?