For those of you who know me.. you know that when I find something I really like (song, tv show, food, etc) I watch/listen/eat on repeat until I am truly over it. I guess this goes right along with my OCD personality.
Well my most recent obsession is Make it or Break it. Please explain to me why a 22 year old teacher is in love with a TV show marketed to 12-16 year old girls? In case you don't know... make it or break it is a fictional show that follows 4 elite gymnasts that are on their way to the 2012 Olympics. I've been in love with gymnastics since I was little, and this show has simply rekindled my passion. This new liking started as a Monday night ritual, something to help Mondays not seem so daunting. Then I saw the season finale and was completely hooked. Unfortunate timing as now I don't even know if the show is returning for a third season.
Fortunately or unfortunately for me the episodes are all online so I have spent some significant time watching over the past few days. In my defense yesterday was Memorial Day and I had some extra time on my hands, and some quality couch time was much needed. Regardless... today I watched an episode as well and have been searching to understand what it is about the show that draws me.
On the surface level I think it's the gymnastics and having a "behind the scenes" look at the lives of these fictional elite gymnasts. A part of me feels like it allows me to better understand a sport and athletes I have always loved to watch.
On a deeper level there is something the girls have that I am seeking. These girls have a purpose, they have a role. They are elite gymnasts. They spend 10 plus hours a day training to fulfill their purpose, to be successful. Then everything boils to a high intensity moment where they are generally successful and recognized for their success.
If I try to parallel this to my life, the gymnastics training would be my time at school. I am there about 8 hours a day and spend the rest of my hours thinking and talking about it. My high intensity moment could be the end of year tests, where my kids were "generally successful" and recognition for my success could be accounted for during teacher appreciation day.
Yet my life doesn't seem nearly as interesting or exciting as these young ladies on make it or break it. A part of me longs for the adventure and the seeming excitement of their lives. However if I take time to really look at their lives, they each have their own problems but here in lies the problem. I am constantly comparing and yearning for lives other than mine, when in all reality I have a great life. I want to be the music theater major, or the lady with an office job she can leave at 5. I want to have the body of this girl, and the personality of another.
I look at the characters on this show and long for things they each have. I long to have the body of one, the character of another, the strength of one, and the confidence of another. See how this works? It's almost like I am drawn to the show because I want to be them. I temporarily escape my life as Laura the 2nd grade teacher, and envision my life with the body, character, confidence, and personality of others.
I'm longing to find my purpose... I am longing to be happy with who I am... I need to find contentment. I need to find true joy and peace with the life God has blessed me with. I think this might be a lifelong journey and I'm not sure where it will take me.. but until then I'm just going to keep on watching :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Weight Loss- 2 Words I don't love.
August 19, 2010 I started my first job as a "grownup". I had just moved to Raleigh and on the 19th 25 6 and 7 year olds walked into MY classroom. I was terrified and excited all at the same time. Throughout the next 9 1/2 months, I experienced stress and sadness, anxiety and failures that surpassed anything I had ever experienced before. This led me to pick up LOTS of fast food and eat LOTS of junk food whenever I arrived home from work.
This caused an unwanted effect of a 15 pound weight gain since August. I have more or less ignored it because food has been my comfort throughout this journey. How could I part with the thing that has most comforted me over the past year.
However, a few weeks ago I made a decision to take back control of my life. I registered for weight watchers one Saturday morning about 3 weeks back. The following Wednesday I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting at a local church. To be honest I stood outside of the meeting door for a solid 15 minutes before convincing myself to go inside.
I finally put one foot in front of the other and walked into the room. The next week was almost "fun". It was an adventure to figure out what I could eat for how many points, and it was almost like a game! Then I was excited to find out I had lost weight. The second week became even harder, and there were definitely some "slips" but I still lost in week 2!
This coming up Wednesday will be my third week in the program and I am sincerely worried that I will not have lost any weight. Over the weekend I threw the program out the window and didn't count points. I ate whatever and really reverted to some of my old ways. Eating without thinking, eating whatever I want, whenever I want, and then feeling rotten about it later.
Today I have spent more time worrying about the "mistakes" of this weekend than I have spent doing anything else.
Weight Loss. I HATE IT. I wish I had one of those little bodies that allowed me to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. However that is unfortunately not the way I was made.
I hate eating smart ones meals when I'm craving fried chick-fil-a. I hate eating healthy cereal for breakfast when I want pop-tarts. However, as much as I hate weight loss... I do like seeing my body return to the way it used to be.
As of today I was ready to quit but have spent a lot of time thinking and am going to go back to the meeting on Wednesday. As much as I hate weight loss I like gaining control of my life so much more.
Here's to one more week...
This caused an unwanted effect of a 15 pound weight gain since August. I have more or less ignored it because food has been my comfort throughout this journey. How could I part with the thing that has most comforted me over the past year.
However, a few weeks ago I made a decision to take back control of my life. I registered for weight watchers one Saturday morning about 3 weeks back. The following Wednesday I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting at a local church. To be honest I stood outside of the meeting door for a solid 15 minutes before convincing myself to go inside.
I finally put one foot in front of the other and walked into the room. The next week was almost "fun". It was an adventure to figure out what I could eat for how many points, and it was almost like a game! Then I was excited to find out I had lost weight. The second week became even harder, and there were definitely some "slips" but I still lost in week 2!
This coming up Wednesday will be my third week in the program and I am sincerely worried that I will not have lost any weight. Over the weekend I threw the program out the window and didn't count points. I ate whatever and really reverted to some of my old ways. Eating without thinking, eating whatever I want, whenever I want, and then feeling rotten about it later.
Today I have spent more time worrying about the "mistakes" of this weekend than I have spent doing anything else.
Weight Loss. I HATE IT. I wish I had one of those little bodies that allowed me to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. However that is unfortunately not the way I was made.
I hate eating smart ones meals when I'm craving fried chick-fil-a. I hate eating healthy cereal for breakfast when I want pop-tarts. However, as much as I hate weight loss... I do like seeing my body return to the way it used to be.
As of today I was ready to quit but have spent a lot of time thinking and am going to go back to the meeting on Wednesday. As much as I hate weight loss I like gaining control of my life so much more.
Here's to one more week...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
4/13/11
Yesterday was a crazy day in the teaching world. I should start by saying I had missed the day prior to take care of some "personal business." Therefore I knew walking into my classroom would bring some chaos left for me from the day before. Before I had even been there for 15 minutes I was quickly reminded that one of my favorite students (and her parents) were leaving that day to move to Ohio. As soon as I saw her tears were brought to my eyes. I decided to run out during my planning and buy some treats and a small gift for her as she headed out.
When I returned from the grocery store I got news that another one of my students had been in the hospital since Monday with swelling that they thought might have been originating in her brain. I was now sad over a situation with a student for the second time in the day. About 30 minutes later I found a student ASLEEP under my desk, who had apparently come in during my planning and crawled under there. I had NO. IDEA. He sleeps all the time, so that wasn't weird, but I didn't even know he was at school. This incident heightened my emotions for the third time and it was only about 10 oclock!
We literally accomplished nothing all morning. The kids made cards for the little girl who was moving, and for the one in the hospital. We then spent a significant amount of time singing all the songs we have learned this year, and playing the movers favorite games so she could remember everything when she moved. When her parents came to pick her up during recess, I could feel myself getting sad. I'm truly attached to these kids. Her Mom exchanged some sweet words with me, as we discussed how this was her child's first year in traditional school and my first year as a teacher and as we both helped each other's first experiences to be wonderful. Of course I was crying at this point, and when P actually walked out the door I had about 7 crying 7 year olds. It took the class about an hour to fully recover from this traumatic experience. I remember when Tara moved when I was 7, it is traumatic!
The last traumatic event of the day was when G stepped on a thumb tack (with his shoes off) and it went straight into his heel. PANIC on my part. Thank God he pulled it out and his tetanus shot was up to date.
I left school feeling emotionally drained, yet I still needed to visit E in the hospital, and I had my weekly appointment.
WHEW. What an EXHAUSTING day. But you know, what this day did show me SO clearly is how much I care for these kids. You better believe that come June 9th, no matter how thrilled I will be to have my first year over, I'm going to be a wreck as I say goodbye to the 22 7 year olds who have dealt with me and loved me through this journey.
When I returned from the grocery store I got news that another one of my students had been in the hospital since Monday with swelling that they thought might have been originating in her brain. I was now sad over a situation with a student for the second time in the day. About 30 minutes later I found a student ASLEEP under my desk, who had apparently come in during my planning and crawled under there. I had NO. IDEA. He sleeps all the time, so that wasn't weird, but I didn't even know he was at school. This incident heightened my emotions for the third time and it was only about 10 oclock!
We literally accomplished nothing all morning. The kids made cards for the little girl who was moving, and for the one in the hospital. We then spent a significant amount of time singing all the songs we have learned this year, and playing the movers favorite games so she could remember everything when she moved. When her parents came to pick her up during recess, I could feel myself getting sad. I'm truly attached to these kids. Her Mom exchanged some sweet words with me, as we discussed how this was her child's first year in traditional school and my first year as a teacher and as we both helped each other's first experiences to be wonderful. Of course I was crying at this point, and when P actually walked out the door I had about 7 crying 7 year olds. It took the class about an hour to fully recover from this traumatic experience. I remember when Tara moved when I was 7, it is traumatic!
The last traumatic event of the day was when G stepped on a thumb tack (with his shoes off) and it went straight into his heel. PANIC on my part. Thank God he pulled it out and his tetanus shot was up to date.
I left school feeling emotionally drained, yet I still needed to visit E in the hospital, and I had my weekly appointment.
WHEW. What an EXHAUSTING day. But you know, what this day did show me SO clearly is how much I care for these kids. You better believe that come June 9th, no matter how thrilled I will be to have my first year over, I'm going to be a wreck as I say goodbye to the 22 7 year olds who have dealt with me and loved me through this journey.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Little Things of Today
Sticking to my goal of creating a life I love to live:
This morning I blared happy music as I was getting ready for work and sang all the way to school.
After school I had a relaxing snack and some tv time before I headed to the gym.
I enjoyed working out and just de-stressing from the day. (Well enjoyed might be a stretch.. I rarely ENJOY the gym) but it was good that I got there.
After working out I had a PB&J and finished my DC from snack :)
Since then I have been looking at school stuff and organizing life.
BIGGEST thing of today: I registered for Zumba at the community center in Garner! So for the next 6 weeks I will be doing Zumba on Monday nights from 6-7! YAY
I also found a UMC church in Garner I am going to try out on Sunday :)They seem to have a lot of things I am looking for in a church.
OH and I am currently watching UNC basketball.
I think I am about to climb into bed however and fall asleep with a book.
This post has no real point, but I am just trying to document my journey as I work to create a life I love to live :)
This morning I blared happy music as I was getting ready for work and sang all the way to school.
After school I had a relaxing snack and some tv time before I headed to the gym.
I enjoyed working out and just de-stressing from the day. (Well enjoyed might be a stretch.. I rarely ENJOY the gym) but it was good that I got there.
After working out I had a PB&J and finished my DC from snack :)
Since then I have been looking at school stuff and organizing life.
BIGGEST thing of today: I registered for Zumba at the community center in Garner! So for the next 6 weeks I will be doing Zumba on Monday nights from 6-7! YAY
I also found a UMC church in Garner I am going to try out on Sunday :)They seem to have a lot of things I am looking for in a church.
OH and I am currently watching UNC basketball.
I think I am about to climb into bed however and fall asleep with a book.
This post has no real point, but I am just trying to document my journey as I work to create a life I love to live :)
Monday, January 17, 2011
Goal for 2011
Since the last post I have spent lots of time in conversation, thought, and prayer about where I am right now in my life. I have spent a considerable amount of time pondering and exploring the things I want to do in my lifetime. I have been asking questions such as, "what am I passionate about, what are my goals, what are my interests, what are my dreams?"
This weekend brought up a lot of thoughts in regards to where I am right now. It was brought to my attention that in college I was happiest when I was involved in something. Where my hands had a part in getting something done, committing and contributing to various causes. So last night and today I have spent time thinking about various organizations or things I could get involved with to help find happiness in my new life in Raleigh.
Brandy said she read somewhere that your passions can often be traced back to the things you enjoyed doing when you were 10 years old. Some of the things I have come up with so far are:
piano
musical theater
chorus
swimming
God
Carolina Basketball
Dance
Playing School (ironically enough)
(Not in any particular order)
So as I drove home from my wonderful weekend I spent a lot of time praying and asking God to help me figure out what I need to do in order to create a life I love. When I heard those words in my prayer they struck me: "create a life I love". There are so many things in life that are circumstantial, that you have no control over. However there are things I can control, such as what I invest my time and energy into. I can choose to spend my free time wallowing, or to spend it in a good book. I can spend my free time crying about how I miss my friends, or I can pursue the new friendships God has blessed me with. You get the point right?
So my goal for 2011 is to create a life I love.
Some things I am thinking about are:
-zumba class on Monday nights at the community center.. believe it or not I did like to dance when I was younger.
-volunteering with the community theater in Raleigh.. I loved being in musicals as a child and I still secretly or not so secretly wish I could be a musical theater major :)
-Purposefully pursuing a church so I can find a community to connect with and a small group of people to walk through life with here in Raleigh.
-Perhaps buying a keyboard and getting back into piano? I know my parents would love to see me play a song other than You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban.
-Saving money for a trip this summer to some place I have always wanted to go.
-Reading books instead of drowning in trashy reality tv. I didn't like to read as a child but since college I have fallen in love with pleasure reading but rarely do it.
Who knows if any of these things will help me on my path to finding happiness, but what I do know is that at least I am thinking about it. My baby step goal for this long term goal is to do one thing every day that makes me happy. These can be tiny things such as going for a walk, calling a friend, reading a book, taking a bath, writing a letter, watching a show. Or these could be bigger things like going out to eat with friends, getting my nails done, going to see a show, etc. The point is as sugarland so nicely puts it, "I believe that happiness is something we create."
So here is my attempt to step up to the plate and start creating a life I love to live.
-
This weekend brought up a lot of thoughts in regards to where I am right now. It was brought to my attention that in college I was happiest when I was involved in something. Where my hands had a part in getting something done, committing and contributing to various causes. So last night and today I have spent time thinking about various organizations or things I could get involved with to help find happiness in my new life in Raleigh.
Brandy said she read somewhere that your passions can often be traced back to the things you enjoyed doing when you were 10 years old. Some of the things I have come up with so far are:
piano
musical theater
chorus
swimming
God
Carolina Basketball
Dance
Playing School (ironically enough)
(Not in any particular order)
So as I drove home from my wonderful weekend I spent a lot of time praying and asking God to help me figure out what I need to do in order to create a life I love. When I heard those words in my prayer they struck me: "create a life I love". There are so many things in life that are circumstantial, that you have no control over. However there are things I can control, such as what I invest my time and energy into. I can choose to spend my free time wallowing, or to spend it in a good book. I can spend my free time crying about how I miss my friends, or I can pursue the new friendships God has blessed me with. You get the point right?
So my goal for 2011 is to create a life I love.
Some things I am thinking about are:
-zumba class on Monday nights at the community center.. believe it or not I did like to dance when I was younger.
-volunteering with the community theater in Raleigh.. I loved being in musicals as a child and I still secretly or not so secretly wish I could be a musical theater major :)
-Purposefully pursuing a church so I can find a community to connect with and a small group of people to walk through life with here in Raleigh.
-Perhaps buying a keyboard and getting back into piano? I know my parents would love to see me play a song other than You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban.
-Saving money for a trip this summer to some place I have always wanted to go.
-Reading books instead of drowning in trashy reality tv. I didn't like to read as a child but since college I have fallen in love with pleasure reading but rarely do it.
Who knows if any of these things will help me on my path to finding happiness, but what I do know is that at least I am thinking about it. My baby step goal for this long term goal is to do one thing every day that makes me happy. These can be tiny things such as going for a walk, calling a friend, reading a book, taking a bath, writing a letter, watching a show. Or these could be bigger things like going out to eat with friends, getting my nails done, going to see a show, etc. The point is as sugarland so nicely puts it, "I believe that happiness is something we create."
So here is my attempt to step up to the plate and start creating a life I love to live.
-
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Where am I now?
It's been almost 8 months since I graduated from college. How far away it feels, yet it has only been 8 months. It hasn't even been a full year yet! 5 and a half months ago I moved to Raleigh. Almost exactly 5 months ago I started teaching 2nd grade. So much has happened in the past year and where am I now?
Today we had a snow day which left me with entirely too much time to be alone and think. For anyone who knows me well, left alone with my head for much time is never good because I'm overly analytical.
There have been lots of tears today and lots of time to think about too many things.
A couple of conversations with people today and I've really started thinking about where I am right NOW. Not where I was 8 or 5 months ago. Not where I will be in 8 or 5 months. But right now. Well...I'm 22, single, living alone. Okay. So to many people that might sound lame and pretty sad. Let me assure you there have been plenty of sad, 22, single, living alone moments. But today has got me thinking.
All day people have been telling me that there is something special about where I am right now (whether they knew it or not). One friend in a similar situation to me told me of her hopes for a summer trip to Spain. She was showing me what cool and exciting things she can do with her life right now.
Another friend in a serious relationship told me of the great things that come from her relationship but that she knew how hard it was being alone. She lovingly reassured me that my feelings were normal but went on to tell me that being in a relationship is hard too because then there is this other person you are always thinking about as you are going through life together.
The last friend I spoke to said, "I know it might be hard to see this now, but really, enjoy having all your time to yourself - to choose how you want to spend it. Do everything you possibly want to do. Really, I mean it. You will never have the freedom you do now."
It is clear to me that God has been calling out to me all day saying "My child... look at where you are in life right now and embrace it."
I'm only going to be 22 once. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? What dreams do I have? What am I passionate about? What do I want to do with my life while I am single and have the chance. My prayer from here on out is that God will help me to fully embrace this stage of my life and that he will help me live it in such a way that I truly love it.
God did you hear that?
Today we had a snow day which left me with entirely too much time to be alone and think. For anyone who knows me well, left alone with my head for much time is never good because I'm overly analytical.
There have been lots of tears today and lots of time to think about too many things.
A couple of conversations with people today and I've really started thinking about where I am right NOW. Not where I was 8 or 5 months ago. Not where I will be in 8 or 5 months. But right now. Well...I'm 22, single, living alone. Okay. So to many people that might sound lame and pretty sad. Let me assure you there have been plenty of sad, 22, single, living alone moments. But today has got me thinking.
All day people have been telling me that there is something special about where I am right now (whether they knew it or not). One friend in a similar situation to me told me of her hopes for a summer trip to Spain. She was showing me what cool and exciting things she can do with her life right now.
Another friend in a serious relationship told me of the great things that come from her relationship but that she knew how hard it was being alone. She lovingly reassured me that my feelings were normal but went on to tell me that being in a relationship is hard too because then there is this other person you are always thinking about as you are going through life together.
The last friend I spoke to said, "I know it might be hard to see this now, but really, enjoy having all your time to yourself - to choose how you want to spend it. Do everything you possibly want to do. Really, I mean it. You will never have the freedom you do now."
It is clear to me that God has been calling out to me all day saying "My child... look at where you are in life right now and embrace it."
I'm only going to be 22 once. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? What dreams do I have? What am I passionate about? What do I want to do with my life while I am single and have the chance. My prayer from here on out is that God will help me to fully embrace this stage of my life and that he will help me live it in such a way that I truly love it.
God did you hear that?
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