Relationship talk is one of my least favorite parts about family functions. Being the single almost 22 year old, I feel like it is a constant topic of conversation. Upon recent events in my brother's romantic life I feel as if it has been even more prevalent in conversation than usual.
These conversations always bring up my deepest insecurities as I have been single for most of my life. I've only ever had one true boyfriend, and I'm not even sure that relationship really counted.
As I was sitting around the kitchen table with my Mom and Grandmother I asked to look at my Grandmother's ring. I was initially intrigued by it as I wondered what widows were supposed to do with their wedding rings. In her book I guess she has chosen to leave it on, but I just didn't know if that was normal. Anyway, I had her take it off so I could try it on. It didn't fit me, so then I turned to my Mom and asked to look at hers. Hers thankfully fit my finger, and I no longer felt like I had the biggest fingers in the world. True confession...I wore that ring for the rest of the evening.
Reader if I'm completely honest I even still have it on now. For a while I honestly just forgot it was there, but ever since I remembered it I haven't been able to get it off my mind! Something about the diamond has made me go batty on the inside. Let me give you a little insight has to why...The life I long for looks as follows:
Teach for a few years. Get married. Enjoy married life and teach a few more years. Have children. Be a swim mom. Or a soccer mom. Be a stay at home Mom. I want to have a family to love and grow and be proud of. I want a husband to love me. I want to have a husband who I love dearly. I want to have that person in my life who is "my person".
All of those things won't happen until I have that darn ring on my finger. No husband, no kids, no little (or big) family. So I guess in my mind a ring like this one holds a lot of power. As Lisa and Austin are about go get married.. As Dave and Carolyn are about to get married.. As Drea and Tim are about to get married.. I can't seem to get this topic off my mind.
I've prayed for years that God would at least give me a glimpse of this kind of romantic relationship so that I could see there was hope for me, but he has yet to do so. I'm discouraged. I feel like things in my life are really all coming together except for that one area. I have a great apartment. I have a job I think I am really going to like, and I have great friends and family that I am thankful for. The only thing I'm "missing" is this romantic relationship. It sounds so stupid, but I've longed for a boyfriend for so long and most of the time I'm okay with it. But then there are evenings, or days like today when I really just long for that relationship.
I keep secretly hoping that I'm going to move in August, meet a guy, know instantly that I will marry him and badda bing badda boom have myself the man of my dreams. But that is exactly what that is.. a dream.
So for now, I'm going to go and chat with God about granting my desires or at least changing them to crave singleness.
But first, I'm going to give my Mom her wedding ring back.
No comments:
Post a Comment