I guess I need to get it on the record that my sweet puppy Ripley died on the 30th (December). It hit me harder and stronger and deeper than I could have possibly imagined. We left for Tampa and left a hard of hearing but otherwise healthy 11 year old dog behind for a couple of days.
MeMommy, my grandmother, called us and said she thought something wasn't quite right. 24 hours later we found ourselves sitting in the vet's office looking at our dog in a crate and hooked up to an IV. When we were finally allowed to open the cage and pet him he smiled but yet we still knew he was so sick. From the moment we walked into the Vet's office I was crying. I cried because I was scared, I cried because I was fearful, I cried because my sweet puppy was sick.
Within 45 minutes or so of arriving, we made the decision to take Ripley and transport him to the 24 hour emergency clinic down the road. As I stood there and cried the new vet took our dog away from us to run some more tests. I could tell he was reluctant to go, and that alone broke my heart and continued my tears. My brother took me to gate to find a diet coke and magazine to keep me distracted for a little while. Shortly after we returned, we received the news we really weren't hoping for. Ripley had a tumor on his spleen that was bleeding and his stomach was filling with blood. My whole family was in the room and the feeling at that moment wasn't positive.
We were presented with a couple of options... 1. Take him home and wait for him to die. 2. Try to get him healthy enough to get him into surgery... which in the best case scenario would have bought him 8-12 weeks after a painful surgery and recovery. 3. Put him to sleep.
I didn't like any of the options. The option I wanted was for him to not be sick. Not to have death in his near future. The decision was clear to everyone in our family... it was time for Ripley to leave us and go to heaven. We didn't want to watch him get sicker and sicker till he died. We also didn't want to put him through a painful surgery and recovery to simply buy him a few more weeks. 2 or 3 more years? Then our thoughts probably would have been different... but not 2 or 3 more weeks. It would have been selfish of us to put him through that to just enjoy him for a few more weeks when he wasn't even healthy.
The next thing that happened is the image I have in my head that keeps repeating itself over and over again. They brought Ripley in for us to say our goodbyes. When the vet brought him in on the leash he trotted in a little slower than usual but with the same movement of his body and smile on his face. This moment ripped my heart out. How were we about to do something that was going to suck the life out of this puppy? In that moment he seemed so normal. So "Ripley". We tried to get him to sit down but his feet kept slipping out from under him which was just a sure sign of his lack of strength. He ended up laying down in the weirdest position, with both his feet out behind him. It wasn't Ripley's normal laying position which we all found kind of weird. The four of us were on the floor loving on our Dog for the last time as we cried. Ripley on the other hand just smiled as he was surrounded by his people and he was the center of attention.
When the doctor walked back in I just remember not making eye contact with her. I just kept looking at Ripley and rubbing his paw and telling him how much I loved him. All 4 of us decided to stay with him as the vet put him to sleep. I think we each had our own reasons for doing so, but mine was that I wanted the last image he saw to be me, not the doctor. Ripley already had an IV in his paw so he wasn't pained at all when she did it. His head slowly lowered to the door, and she checked his heart. "He's gone now..", she said so calmly.
I wanted out of that room as soon as possible but other lingered behind me. I kissed him on the head and out I went. We said our goodbyes and we drove home to a very different feeling house. I was still crying. My eyes hurt. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My everything hurt. Walking past his food bucket and bowls only punctured my already hurting heart. I felt like every place I went reminded me of him. After sobbing on the phone with my best friend I finally calmed down for the first time in over 3 hours. I walked out of my room to go downstairs and I literally thought..."I'm gonna go cuddle with Rip..." My heart was sad, and whenever I was sad I loved to lay on the floor with Ripley and that was what I was honestly considering doing in that moment until I realized that the reason I was so sad in that moment was that Ripley wasn't there anymore. One again I began crying and luckily my brother was right behind me and held me close to him.
The tears continued all night, and I didn't know how to calm myself down. I tried praying. Didn't calm me down. Nothing did. Around 11:30 I thought I would be exhausted enough to just fall asleep, seeing as that we had left Tampa around 4:00 am. I got in bed and everytime I closed my eyes I saw Ripley. Sleep wasn't in my future. I do remember praying for good dreams and eventually I fell asleep.
I woke up feeling calmer, but feeling as if I had been whacked in the head with a bat and that someone had poured stinging drops in my eyes. Tears came into my eyes a couple of times, but generally speaking I was calmer than the day before. By about 2:00 my roommate drove in from Raleigh to spend New Years Eve with me as I had no desire to do anything but be at home. She was a great distraction for a couple of days. She left yesterday morning and the past 2 days have brought more sad moments.
Who knew that the loss of a dog would bring such grief but let me tell you it has and it is real. I remember when my friend Lisa lost her dog a couple of years ago and she was so sad. Of course I felt sorry for her but I couldn't comprehend what she was feeling. Now I understand. I can't say I am angry with God or confused as to why this happened because I know this is the circle of life... people are born and people die. I guess my question is just why it has to hurt so much.
Missing Ripley is my number one issue through all of this, but if I was completely honest part of me is struggling with the fact that we "put him to sleep". Don't get me wrong I completely agreed with that decision and think it was the best thing, but the concept is just so different than anything we would consider with humans. Should we have just watched him die? Are we wrong for not chosing to allow them to perform surgery? I think deep down in my heart I know we did the right thing for the situation we suddenly found ourselves in. However, it doesn't make it any less painful.
I just spent 45 minutes writing on the death of my Ripley. In 7 minutes the grandfather clock downstairs will strike midnight and the date will change to January 4. January 4, 2009 was the date my GDaddy died. August of 2008 he was diagnosed with brain cancer and after surgery on the 15th wasn't given long to live. He lived much longer than expected and we slowly watched him die. Watching him wasn't fun or easy on anyone. Rather it was quite the opposite. I can't begin to tackle my feelings on his death right now... maybe tomorrow.
12:00 now... I miss you G'Daddy... hug Ripley for me.
Parting thoughts before I take my once again burning eyes and try to sleep: I haven't lost too many people in my life for which I am incredibly thankful, however I know the day will come. If this is how I react when my Dog dies, how am I going to react when one of my parents die? Or my brother? Or a close friend? Will my life crumble? Will I fall apart?
The main people in my life that I have lost are both my grandfathers and my friend Sean. Sean was a part of my larger friend circle but not one of my best friends. He was a friend from high school and he died during the fall of my freshman year at college. I was upset and cried lots during that week and my heart yearned more for those whose hearts were shattered at this event. I think what made me the saddest was not knowing whether or not he was going to heaven.
My Pop died suddenly while I was in London and I wasn't incredibly close to him. He lived in PA and we saw him about once a year... maybe twice if we were lucky. I loved him of course... but he wasn't a huge part of my life growing up. I was also very far removed from the situation as I wasn't home with my family and wasn't able to come back to the states for the funeral.
My G'Daddy died while I was in D.C. but I had months to prepare myself for that as he battled cancer. I remember my roommate, who was actually sharing a room with me during our visit in DC, crawled into my bed and just hugged me as I cried. I left the next day to go to TN for the funeral.
I was very sad and cried when each of these people died, but I just fear for how things will be when one of my "key people" dies. I hope this doesn't sound like I didn't care for or love these people because I absolutely did. Well now I am just rambling. Maybe I can de-tangle more of these thoughts on death tomorrow.
"The God on the mountain, is still God in the valley; when things go wrong, He makes them right; The God in the good times is still God in the bad times; The God of the day, is still God in the night!"
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