Pre-Date Thoughts

With the exception of a few boys along the way, I can basically say that I have been single for my entire life.
8th grade: Dated Chase for maybe 2 weeks?
10th grade: First kiss with a boy at the pool where I was working.
12th grade: Dated Chase again for a couple of months
Sophomore Year of College: "Talked" with Josh for 6 months or so.

That's basically my love life in its complete form. Add in kissing two boys at random times and it's complete. What this doesn't recap.. are the two boys I would say I have ever been smitten with. Two boys that rarely seemed interested in me.

Here I am, the night before what is going to be my first date in a very long time. To say I am nervous would be an understatement..

All through high school..I was insecure because of my group of 5 girl friends.. I was the only one consistently without a boyfriend. The late night conversations that revolved around boys, left me feeling insecure about myself. These insecurities led me to internalize why I didn't have a boyfriend. I believe these insecurities have haunted me for much of the past 6 years or more. For many years I believed I HAD to have a boyfriend in order to feel good about myself. Yet I didn't... so what was wrong with me? Was it how I looked? Was it my personality? Was it my weight? Was it my beliefs? WHAT?!

Well.. just about the time I finally became okay with being single (this past year), a nice young man has come along. This is what people have always said. The second you become okay with yourself and with God.. he will put a man in your life. I'm still not sure I'm okay with myself, but regardless, there is a man lingering around my life these days.

We've only interacted in person a few brief times, but we have been talking regularly via texting and the internet for a couple of weeks now. We're going to dinner tomorrow. Most girls, as Brooke so lovingly pointed out to me today, would be thrilled about what is going on right now. An attractive young man asked me out on a date. What is not to be excited about?

Yet for some reason, this topic of dating just brings me to think about my insecurities, which are rooted deep within who I am as a person. I just struggle with why this guy would like ME. In my eyes it doesn't make sense. Sweet Mindy gave me a motivational speech the other day explaining why he would, but it's still hard for me to believe. I heard a song on K-Love the other day and the lyrics said something to the effect of "Don't fight these hands that are holding you..." I have to believe that God is holding me, and I need to stop fighting, and just let things happen. Maybe this guy isn't the one for me.. but I'm not expected to know that at this moment. I just need to give him a shot, get to know him, trust God to hold me, and see what happens.

Now that doesn't seem too hard... Or does it??

Another random thought... going off of the topic of dating, but still loosely connected to my fears and insecurities...

At a moment of weakness the other day I bought the book "Skinny Bitch". My roommate, and best friend, knowing my weaknesses and my struggles has always told me that reading that book would be bad for my mental health. Well after hearing two of my other friends talk about it for so long, I just had to know what all the talk was about. I began reading it last week, and finally last night decided that it wasn't a book I needed to be reading. I don't need to be reading that I'm a whimp or a "pussy" for eating meet, and dairy products, and DIET COKE, my favorite addiction.

If I can't figure out how to eat healthy on my own.. it's going to have to be through some book other than this one. I would never recommend it to anyone. The authors are mean, and make people feel bad about themselves.

I don't know why I decided to write about this.. I guess because the book is staring at me on my bedside table. It annoys me that the book was a #1 New York Times Bestseller. That means lots of girls like me.. are reading it.. and probably feeling bad about themselves. Just what women need these days. More things to make them feel bad about their bodies.

While we are on the topic of food? Is it bad that I am already thinking about what I am going to eat at dinner tomorrow? I think we are going to Liberty. Funny story, that's one of the only places I ever went out with Chase, the boyfriend from high school. I don't like salad.. so I'm not eating that. Don't want to eat anything too expensive. Don't want to eat anything that makes me look like a fatty. Don't want to eat anything that's too messy. What do I eat?

All the thoughts running through my head about tomorrow... food. conversation. outfit. after dinner plans. EVERYTHING.

I just need to listen to Mindy, " Laura... it's just dinner"