Peace

I was reading in my bible study this morning about the fruits of the spirit and how God takes a significant amount of time to grow these traits in each of us.

Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-Control

How evident are the fruits of the spirit in my life these days? I'm not too sure... The one I have definitely been struggling with the most is peace. I haven't truly felt peaceful or at rest for probably upwards of two weeks. Not being peaceful is exhausting. Constant worry. Never being fully content. This means you aren't joyful. You aren't good at loving others. You aren't as kind and DEFINITELY not as patient. You aren't nearly as gentle with yourself or others and have little to no self control.

Sounds like this lack of peace in my life is severly affecting many other areas. I was reading about how it takes a lot of time for God to build these character traits in us and that there is never a quick fix.

"Many people go to a counselor with a personal or relational probelem that took years to develop and say "I need you to fix me. I've got an hour." They naively expect a quick solution to a long standing, dep rooted difficulty. Since most of our problems- and all of our bad habits- didn't develop overnight, it's unrealistic to expect them to go away immediately. There is no pill, prayer, or principle that will instantly undo the damage of many years. It requires the hard work or removal and replacement."

I am at fault of all the things listed above. I've been wanting a quick fix to my anxiety issues. A statement, a pill, a change of heart, anything really. I want God to heal my heart miraculously so that I wake up tomorrow feeling peaceful. Yet that isn't how He works. In all honesty I've never really been a calm or peaceful person. Why? Where did I learn to be this way? What is setting me off so strongly right now?

The future? Possibly. Even writing the word future my chest has tightened and my breathing has become more laborious. What confuses me about the whole situation though is how I really do feel some sort of excitement about the future. I'm excited to see: Where I'm going to move. Where and what I'm going to teach. Who I'm going to meet. Who my husband will be. Exciting things! I have the beginning of the rest of my life ahead of me. So why the panic? Why the anxiety?

Why the anxiety in the midst of lingerie showers for good friends, and movie nights with the roommates? Why the anxiety when eating at my favorite restaurant of all time with some of my favorite people? It doesn't make any sense to me and it makes me angry. The external events of my life seem to be so great! So why the internal war?

There seems to be an absence of fruit from my life lately and oh how I desire for it to return. The only physical fruit I have consumed lately was the banana in my peanut butter banana shake from cookout that I finished off this morning. And that is more than I can say about the presence of spiritual fruit in my life

God I'm ready to begin whatever growing process you want to send me throuh in order to learn about being more peaceful and less anxious. Can we start now?