ESFJ

After a couple of weeks of reading, contemplation, and discussions, I firmly believe that I am an ESFJ according to the Meyers Brigg Scale. I am an energetic, sensing, feeling, and judging person. When reading an article called “Portrait of an ESFJ” I honestly felt as if the authors were writing the paper about me personally. ESFJs are known as the caregivers. They love to nurture and take care of others. This implies that ESFJs focus most of their energy externally and on other people. As a part of this, ESFJs are very good at reading others. They really pay attention to other people’s feelings and reactions. They are generally warm, caring, sympathetic, and enthusiastic people. They are also very good at seeing a need, and taking care of it before many would even realize there was a need in the first place. ESFJs are very good with traditional rules, laws, and plans. They struggle when forced to think critically, abstractly, or outside of the box.

The descriptions thus far generally make ESFJs look like pretty solid people. However, they have many down falls. First, ESFJs have a strong desire to be liked by others. This implies that they will change their mannerisms depending on who they are around at that time. They look for this approval from others in order to feel good about themselves. Along the same lines, ESFJs are huge people pleasers. At times they will go too far in order to make others happy. When they are not successful at pleasing people and others are upset with them, they are easily wounded and wear their emotions on their sleeves. Also, ESFJs have a strong desire to be in control. This really becomes challenging when they attempt to control people who don’t want to be controlled!

I could write stories for days that portray the strengths and weaknesses of my ESFJ personality. However for the sake of time, and space, I am just going to tell a few. One night during my sophomore year of school I have a vivid memory of a situation where my ESFJ personality was very clear. That evening three friends and I had been asked by three older girls to live in their house for the following two years. The four of us were beyond excited and honored to be living in this house they called Tennis House. In the moment I was thrilled to say yes to these girls because I knew it was what they wanted, and deep down it was what I wanted too. However, there was a little issue that would be waiting for me when I arrived back to Sloan 322.

One of our other dear friends, and my roommate from the year prior was going to be heartbroken when she heard this news. I knew that she wanted to live with us, but there simply wasn’t room for her in our house. I had major doubts about accepting this offer simply because I knew she would be crushed. Yet I had many other people in my life, clearly not ESFJs, who were telling me that I had to make this decision for myself and not for her. The people pleaser in me wanted no part in breaking this news to her. However, being her closest friend, I knew it was my duty to tell her. Unfortunately, for fear of her reaction, I ended up breaking the news to her casually online. I knew her feelings would be crushed and that her reaction would be negative. Once I realized that my decision to break this news to her via the computer had been an awful one, I quickly scurried down to her room. She clearly wanted no parts in talking to me, and I felt like the scum of the Earth. Her current roommate told me that she was hysterical and didn’t want to talk to me. Knowing that I had upset her so much sent my emotions over the edge. It left me upset in the middle of the night, and I took a walk with my friend Jeremy to talk out my thoughts and emotions. The entire situation from start to finish caused me stress and anxiety because I was so overly concerned with the emotions and feelings of others.

ESFJs quickly see what needs to be done, and act quickly to take care of it. One time when I have strong memories about this was when I was on a retreat with New Student Orientation Head Staff. The 16 of us piled into two, white, university owned vans, and headed to a beautiful house in Seven Lakes. Once arriving there, we were going to be cooking every meal for the duration of the weekend. At the completion of every meal, I would automatically notice that the dishes were starting to pile up and that the kitchen was a mess. I would quickly delve into the pile of dishes, and start cleaning up. I saw the need, and quickly took initiative to take care of it. Others in my group wouldn’t even notice the dishes, until me and the other young lady, who must also be an ESFJ, were almost done with them. This isn’t much of a story, but simply a brief glimpse into the way things often work in my world. I am quick to see needs, and take action.

The next story revolves around my friend who for the sake of this story we will call Alex. Alex was extremely sick and couldn’t stop throwing up. The other girls who were living in her suite literally left her to fend for herself in the midst of her sickness. As soon as I got news of her illness I immediately made a phone call to see what she needed. She needed some Ginger Ale and some saltines. Therefore I quickly headed to the grocery store and arrived at her dorm as soon as possible. Not only did I bring her the things she needed, but I stayed in her room by her side trying to do whatever I could do to be helpful in her time of need. More than anything she just wanted someone to talk to, yet no one would come within 10 feet of her for fear of getting sick. I spent a while that afternoon just sitting in her room keeping her company. I loved being able to nurture her and take care of her in the same ways I would want to be taken care of in similar situations.

The next story revolves around my need for control, as most ESFJs have. Fall of sophomore year I was in desperate need for a job. I was about to be leaving for a semester abroad and knew that extra income would be desirable. Relatively quickly I found a job babysitting for two angelic looking little girls with golden blonde hair. I was soon to realize that they weren’t as angelic as I first thought. The girls were two and four years of age. The four year old and I literally battled with each other every day. The control freak in me needed to feel in control of the situations and of her at all times. The problem here lied within the fact that the four year old also desired to be in control at all times. The two of us continually battled for control day after day after day. Many a day ended with one of the two of us in tears. I’m telling you… it was bad. It was honestly one of the most exhausting jobs I had ever had. Probably the biggest problem was that I didn’t see our issues as battles for control, but rather as poor behavior from the kid. Thankfully one day, while having a conversation with a trusted adult, she pointed something out to me. She said, “Laura, you are simply battling for control with a four year old. Don’t you know who really has the control in these situations?” She reminded me that I was the grown-up and therefore automatically in control. She suggested that I really think about this next time I interacted with her and not allow myself to verbally fight with a four year old. After months of awful fighting, I changed my way of thinking and our relationship grew and improved by leaps and bounds.

Hopefully all of these stories give you a quick glimpse into my life as an ESFJ. Are you convinced?